Saturday, February 14, 2015

The Sweetest of Loves

If You Want Me To By: Ginny Owens
The pathway is broken
And The signs are unclear
And I don't know the reason why You brought me here
But just because You love me the way that You do
I'm gonna walk through the valley
If You want me to

'Cause I'm not who I was
When I took my first step
And I'm clinging to the promise You're not through with me yet
so if all of these trials bring me closer to you
Then I will go through the fire
If You want me to

I have been spending some incredibly sweet time with the Lord, begging him to let me just touch the threads of his robe, he gently said "how much sweeter that I have washed you in my blood and covered you with my grace and love."  How quick I am to forget how much sweeter it is what God has already done for me rather than focusing on what I want him to do for me still.  How much more must it mean to God when we come before Him and praise Him wholeheartedly than only to present our requests to Him?  Over and over in the gospels Jesus tells us that he desires mercy rather than sacrifice.  Often I come to him wanting to offer only sacrifice and withhold my heart, not recognizing that the sacrifice has already been offered for me through His blood.  But as Jesus is guiding me, He is showing me just how sweet it is to walk with him, to be aware of His presence, of His unfailing love., grabbing hold of Him out of pure desire and longing that I have never before experienced.

As I am going through the new testament in my quiet time in the morning, I am noticing how often Jesus went off to be alone or to have a time of solitude.  As we read, I see he seeks God and prays in his quiet time before God.  Unburdening his soul onto God, just as we are called to do, Jesus set an example for us.  Quiet time with God, praising Him, desperately seeking God's presence. 

With a renewed passion I have set aside weekly date nights with God.  This time is not my daily time in the word, but time where I just worship, giving God access to all of me, no distractions, time set aside just for Jesus.  Previous on this blog I have mentioned my past of dating God, when I was single and shortly after being saved, I did much the same thing.  It is the sweetest of time, I truly date God, much as I would date my husband.  I worship him, listen to all He wants to tell me, pour out my heart and soul to Him.  Approaching these nights with the same enthusiasm as I would a much coveted date night with my husband.  I light candles, I get dressed up much the same way I would if Adam were able to take me out on a date.  I get excited for these evenings with great anticipation, because God has truly met me every single time.

The idea of passionately dating God, came out of a desperation of wanting to date my husband in the way that we once had.  Around Christmas time when so many friends were posting on facebook and instagram the holiday parties, the date nights they shared with their spouses and I began to become jealous and bitter that my life was not anything what I imagined it would be, nothing of what I desired it to be.  Adam doesn't always like the idea that we are married and going on dates is often very exhausting.  We try weekly to have time also to go on a date and even when I am not in the mood to go, to bear the weight of the conversations, and all the memories of our relationship, can sometimes be overwhelming.  My heart was breaking and I was becoming incredibly angry over the circumstances in my life.  I recognized that I was even starting to question God, something I truly never want to do, I don't want to question, just trust.  I had a choice to make, continue to become resentful, angry, upset, bitter, or worship God, trust Him no matter the calling He chose for our marriage.  I wanted to know God's goodness, the sweetness of His love, I desperately desire to be consumed by Him.  I realized the only way to make this happen is to give God what I desired.  Seek Him the way I wanted to be loved and pursued. To seek Him for a love that I so desperately wanted.

The more I pursue Him like this, the more I seek Him, the more I spend time with Him... the more He reveals the sweetness of his love, that He is truly making it complete in me.  People will always fail to make us feel special, to feel loved, but God, God is unfailing love and when I seek Him to fill me with the love I so badly desire, He fills me abundantly.  He overflows me with His love and with this love I am able to love others, to love Adam more deeply,  more passionately, than seems humanly possible.  I love Adam with the love Jesus pours out into me and daily my desire and love for both God and my husband grows.  God is love, love is not a feeling, not a verb... love is GOD. 

Last I updated we were discharged from Harborview.  Adam was struggling in so many ways.  Adam has continued to work hard, persevere, and press on in this journey.  His walking has improved, his speech has improved, everything physically he has made remarkable improvements on.  Even his memory has improved.  With his memory improving, Adam has struggled like never before.  He is aware now of his injury, aware that he is not the same person he once was, aware that life has seemed to forget him.  He is aware of the date and can't figure out how to process the time that he feels he has lost.  He is in the worst depression I have ever witnessed. 

Adam needs prayer like he has never before needed.  He has been able to express how he feels and why he feels the way to does, this is truly miraculous and this alone has left his team of doctors amazed.  Working with a neuropsychologist, he has expressed feelings of worthlessness, of incompetence, of not understanding why he is still alive.  He tends to focus on what he has lost, rather than the miracle that God has spared him and still has plans for him.  It is incredibly challenging taking care of him during this time, he doesn't want to get out of bed, has very little interest in doing much of anything.  Everyday I force him to get out of the house with me, and this has been very exhausting and hard for both of us but I know it is best for him to get out and experience life.  I love my man so much and it is so difficult to see him hurting like he is.

We met with Adam's team just this week and we have decided to make some changes to help Adam.  Prior to his severe depression he was at his best I have seen in the entire recovery.  With doing so well it brought forth an amazing awareness for who he is and that he isn't the same person he once was.  This is HUGE progress, while the depression is a terrible side effect of this awareness and breaks my heart daily, I can't help but rejoice in the significance of this progress!  While his team is trying to figure out the best route to treat the depression, we need prayer for wisdom, guidance, and strength.  Until we get the depression under control, Adam's recovery is really at a halt.  I pray daily that the joy of the Lord will be Adam's strength for the day, please join me in praying this, as well as peace and comfort for Adam.  Pray also that Adam will start to face the facts and find joy every day instead of retreating back to bed.

Thankfully, God has brought us into a church community during this time.  Weekly, Adam is encouraged by the pastor, another man!  Praise God, this has been an answer to prayer that brings tears to my eyes every time, I hear him encourage Adam, watch Adam around another man, and smile at the mention that God still has plans for Adam.  He even asks Adam to spend time with him, a friend in the truest sense, an answer to many prayers.  For the first time since being on the west coast we have finally been able to attend church weekly, and be in community and fellowship with other believers!  Praise God!

I don't know what may come of all of this, but I know God has been continuously faithful in answering the cry of my heart to not leave us like this.  To daily place His fingerprints on our lives by changing us, not allowing us to enter the next day the same as we were when we entered the day before.  God is doing this in Adam's physical recovery as well as our hearts.  We praise God for what He has done, for what He is doing, and for what is still to come, we wait in expectation and anticipation to see God bring healing every day.

Adam has been able to do the back stroke unassisted in therapy

Adam and I have been enjoying weekly dates to the bowling alley near us, he has even been able to bowl strikes!
Since Goldie has been with Mackenzie, Adam needed a companion, this is Ranger.

My kiddo, my heart... love her

Adam and I have been blessed to be able to spend our Saturdays with our niece Abby
She brings great joy and love into our home! 
Our beautiful daughter Mackenzie and one her loves.

Adam and I went on a walk and we were accompanied by the deer below.


Our family is in need of your prayers as we continue to walk forward in this journey and face difficult decisions.  Prayer that we will continue to walk this as a family, that we will all trust God with the future and where that might lead.  Thank you for your prayers, support, love, and patience.  I will try to not let such a long time go between posts.