Sunday, March 22, 2015

Road Bump In The Journey But Progress Is Being Made!

In this journey I have often felt like we are finally gaining ground, just enough to pass where we once were but then only to be pushed back... once we gain, it feels like we get shoved back, having to work even harder to get back to where we just were.  In the last week, we have been pushed back.  It is hard not to get discouraged but I am reminding myself that with God, there are no steps backwards, no time lost, just necessary steps to fulfill His purposes and in His timing.  And that we have so much to rejoice in all that God has already done for us.
Adam has had 3 seizures in the last 24 hours.  We believe we have narrowed it down to the increase of his antidepressant we did a few days ago.  We're unsure why his seizure medication effectiveness is decreasing as we have increased his antidepressant.  This is not a typical side effect of this particular medication.  The real bummer is, with this antidepressant, Adam has been able to get out of bed the last 4 weeks he has been on this medication.  We were just starting to see some positive changes... and now we are heading back to the drawing board to try to figure how Adam's severe depression can be treated effectively without causing anymore seizures.  

This seems to be a tricky balancing act and we could use prayer for wisdom as we proceed.  Please pray for NO MORE seizures... this is enough.  Pray too for rest for both of us.  I have struggled with falling asleep, I have wrestled with fear of Adam's breathing pattern changing, or a seizure beginning again.  Every breath he takes I am tuned into.  Every noticeable change, triggers my flight or fight reaction.  I am working at giving my fear to God, resisting the enemy, and standing firm in faith. 
Mackenzie's spring break is this week and I was counting the moments before we were once again reunited, with the recent turn of event however, it doesn't look like we will be together.  I am devastated and she is too.  Please pray for us as we cope with our separation.  She loves being with her grandparents and her horses, and I am incredibly grateful for the life Mackenzie has been able to have with them and apart from this journey. 
As I have been wrestling with God’s timing and purposes over the last day or so, my devotion this morning couldn’t have been more perfect.  I just have to share it…
The Bible has a great deal to say about waiting for God, and the teaching cannot be too strongly emphasized. We so easily become impatient with God’s delays. Yet much of our trouble in life is the result of our restless, and sometimes reckless, haste. We cannot wait for the fruit to ripen, but insist on picking it while it is still green. We cannot wait for the answers to our prayers, although it may take many years for the things we pray for to be prepared for us. We are encouraged to walk with God, but often God walks very slowly. Yet there is also another side to this teaching: God often waits for us.
Quite often we fail to receive the blessing he has ready for us because we are not moving forward with him. While it is true we miss many blessings by not waiting for God, we also lose numerous blessings by overwaiting. There are times when it takes strength simply to sit still, but there are also times when we are to move forward with a confident step.
Many of God’s promises are conditional, requiring some initial action on our part. Once we begin to obey, he will begin to bless us. Great things were promised to Abraham, but not one of them could have been obtained had he waited in Ur of the Chaldeans. The ten lepers Jesus healed were told to show themselves to the priest, and “as they went, they were cleansed” (Luke 17:14 [emphasis added]). God was waiting to heal them, and the moment their faith began to work, the blessing came.” ~ Streams of the Desert Bible Devotion

God's timing was so perfect in this devotion.  My hope is anchored in God and in his timing.  I pray that I will be obedient what he has in store for this journey and for our lives.  Psalm 57: 8-13 "Record my lament; list my tears on your scroll are they not in your record? By this I will know that God is for me.  In God, whose word I praise, in God I trust; I will not be afraid.  I am under vows to you O God; I will present my thank offerings to you.  For you have delivered me from death and my feet from stumbling, that I many walk before God in the light of life."

 ADAM PROGRAMMED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  Adam's ability to program is still in his brain!!!!!!!!!!!!!  Oh how I have prayed, cried, and begged God that Adam could still have the ability to do what he loves, what he has always been so passionate about.  For those who knew Adam before his injury knew how much programming was something he loved, it was more than a job, more than a hobby, it has always been something he has been passionate about.  Over the last couple of years, I will often find Adam sitting in front of the computer at home, frustrated because he can't remember what to do.  He will often tell me that he knows he has a job on the computer but can't figure out how to do it. 
I am no programmer so I haven't been able to help Adam with this at all, we have tried for the last couple of years to find someone who would be willing to spend time with Adam tapping into the programmer aspect of his brain.  I have prayed, and so many of you have prayed for God to bring someone into our journey that could remind Adam of the basics of programming.  To show Adam basic programming and for us to see if Adam could still do it.  HE CAN!!!!!!!!!!!!  GOD DID!!!!!!!!  God has brought someone into our lives that has stepped into this roll and is amazing at it!  I watched in amazement this week as Adam solved a computer programming question.  Tears in my eyes as I watched Adam one step ahead at one point!  This is one incredible gift!
Programming isn’t the only thing we are giving thanks for… Adam was also given an opportunity to have a “job” at church.  He is able to provide help by volunteering administratively once a week!  Having this two opportunities is providing Adam with much needed purpose!  What answers to prayer!!!!  Keep it up prayer warriors, we need continued prayer for healing!
Adam "working" at church
We are incredibly blessed by these opportunities that God has provided and by those who are newly stepping into our journey.  God really has provided an army for Adam and we are seeing so many people being obedient to Christ by saying "yes" to the opportunity to walk with us on this remarkable journey.  It is going to continue to take an army as we would love to transition into life being "therapy" instead of so many appointments in our schedule.  We are believing God is working to make this happen!
Mackenzie at a completion, Adam and I were able to make it to Oregon and cheer her on!

My sister Renae also made it to the completion, this is us with Chuey, Mackenzie's horse

Adam and his brothers were able to hit a bucket of balls at a driving range while we were in Oregon

My boys

My man and I celebrating a successful day of therapies completed

Adam mowing our yard, every time he does, I know I am watching a miracle in action

Adam and I on a date night, Ranger came too.  I can't get over how handsome my man is!

Saturdays with Abby!  I love this girl!


Saturday, February 14, 2015

The Sweetest of Loves

If You Want Me To By: Ginny Owens
The pathway is broken
And The signs are unclear
And I don't know the reason why You brought me here
But just because You love me the way that You do
I'm gonna walk through the valley
If You want me to

'Cause I'm not who I was
When I took my first step
And I'm clinging to the promise You're not through with me yet
so if all of these trials bring me closer to you
Then I will go through the fire
If You want me to

I have been spending some incredibly sweet time with the Lord, begging him to let me just touch the threads of his robe, he gently said "how much sweeter that I have washed you in my blood and covered you with my grace and love."  How quick I am to forget how much sweeter it is what God has already done for me rather than focusing on what I want him to do for me still.  How much more must it mean to God when we come before Him and praise Him wholeheartedly than only to present our requests to Him?  Over and over in the gospels Jesus tells us that he desires mercy rather than sacrifice.  Often I come to him wanting to offer only sacrifice and withhold my heart, not recognizing that the sacrifice has already been offered for me through His blood.  But as Jesus is guiding me, He is showing me just how sweet it is to walk with him, to be aware of His presence, of His unfailing love., grabbing hold of Him out of pure desire and longing that I have never before experienced.

As I am going through the new testament in my quiet time in the morning, I am noticing how often Jesus went off to be alone or to have a time of solitude.  As we read, I see he seeks God and prays in his quiet time before God.  Unburdening his soul onto God, just as we are called to do, Jesus set an example for us.  Quiet time with God, praising Him, desperately seeking God's presence. 

With a renewed passion I have set aside weekly date nights with God.  This time is not my daily time in the word, but time where I just worship, giving God access to all of me, no distractions, time set aside just for Jesus.  Previous on this blog I have mentioned my past of dating God, when I was single and shortly after being saved, I did much the same thing.  It is the sweetest of time, I truly date God, much as I would date my husband.  I worship him, listen to all He wants to tell me, pour out my heart and soul to Him.  Approaching these nights with the same enthusiasm as I would a much coveted date night with my husband.  I light candles, I get dressed up much the same way I would if Adam were able to take me out on a date.  I get excited for these evenings with great anticipation, because God has truly met me every single time.

The idea of passionately dating God, came out of a desperation of wanting to date my husband in the way that we once had.  Around Christmas time when so many friends were posting on facebook and instagram the holiday parties, the date nights they shared with their spouses and I began to become jealous and bitter that my life was not anything what I imagined it would be, nothing of what I desired it to be.  Adam doesn't always like the idea that we are married and going on dates is often very exhausting.  We try weekly to have time also to go on a date and even when I am not in the mood to go, to bear the weight of the conversations, and all the memories of our relationship, can sometimes be overwhelming.  My heart was breaking and I was becoming incredibly angry over the circumstances in my life.  I recognized that I was even starting to question God, something I truly never want to do, I don't want to question, just trust.  I had a choice to make, continue to become resentful, angry, upset, bitter, or worship God, trust Him no matter the calling He chose for our marriage.  I wanted to know God's goodness, the sweetness of His love, I desperately desire to be consumed by Him.  I realized the only way to make this happen is to give God what I desired.  Seek Him the way I wanted to be loved and pursued. To seek Him for a love that I so desperately wanted.

The more I pursue Him like this, the more I seek Him, the more I spend time with Him... the more He reveals the sweetness of his love, that He is truly making it complete in me.  People will always fail to make us feel special, to feel loved, but God, God is unfailing love and when I seek Him to fill me with the love I so badly desire, He fills me abundantly.  He overflows me with His love and with this love I am able to love others, to love Adam more deeply,  more passionately, than seems humanly possible.  I love Adam with the love Jesus pours out into me and daily my desire and love for both God and my husband grows.  God is love, love is not a feeling, not a verb... love is GOD. 

Last I updated we were discharged from Harborview.  Adam was struggling in so many ways.  Adam has continued to work hard, persevere, and press on in this journey.  His walking has improved, his speech has improved, everything physically he has made remarkable improvements on.  Even his memory has improved.  With his memory improving, Adam has struggled like never before.  He is aware now of his injury, aware that he is not the same person he once was, aware that life has seemed to forget him.  He is aware of the date and can't figure out how to process the time that he feels he has lost.  He is in the worst depression I have ever witnessed. 

Adam needs prayer like he has never before needed.  He has been able to express how he feels and why he feels the way to does, this is truly miraculous and this alone has left his team of doctors amazed.  Working with a neuropsychologist, he has expressed feelings of worthlessness, of incompetence, of not understanding why he is still alive.  He tends to focus on what he has lost, rather than the miracle that God has spared him and still has plans for him.  It is incredibly challenging taking care of him during this time, he doesn't want to get out of bed, has very little interest in doing much of anything.  Everyday I force him to get out of the house with me, and this has been very exhausting and hard for both of us but I know it is best for him to get out and experience life.  I love my man so much and it is so difficult to see him hurting like he is.

We met with Adam's team just this week and we have decided to make some changes to help Adam.  Prior to his severe depression he was at his best I have seen in the entire recovery.  With doing so well it brought forth an amazing awareness for who he is and that he isn't the same person he once was.  This is HUGE progress, while the depression is a terrible side effect of this awareness and breaks my heart daily, I can't help but rejoice in the significance of this progress!  While his team is trying to figure out the best route to treat the depression, we need prayer for wisdom, guidance, and strength.  Until we get the depression under control, Adam's recovery is really at a halt.  I pray daily that the joy of the Lord will be Adam's strength for the day, please join me in praying this, as well as peace and comfort for Adam.  Pray also that Adam will start to face the facts and find joy every day instead of retreating back to bed.

Thankfully, God has brought us into a church community during this time.  Weekly, Adam is encouraged by the pastor, another man!  Praise God, this has been an answer to prayer that brings tears to my eyes every time, I hear him encourage Adam, watch Adam around another man, and smile at the mention that God still has plans for Adam.  He even asks Adam to spend time with him, a friend in the truest sense, an answer to many prayers.  For the first time since being on the west coast we have finally been able to attend church weekly, and be in community and fellowship with other believers!  Praise God!

I don't know what may come of all of this, but I know God has been continuously faithful in answering the cry of my heart to not leave us like this.  To daily place His fingerprints on our lives by changing us, not allowing us to enter the next day the same as we were when we entered the day before.  God is doing this in Adam's physical recovery as well as our hearts.  We praise God for what He has done, for what He is doing, and for what is still to come, we wait in expectation and anticipation to see God bring healing every day.

Adam has been able to do the back stroke unassisted in therapy

Adam and I have been enjoying weekly dates to the bowling alley near us, he has even been able to bowl strikes!
Since Goldie has been with Mackenzie, Adam needed a companion, this is Ranger.

My kiddo, my heart... love her

Adam and I have been blessed to be able to spend our Saturdays with our niece Abby
She brings great joy and love into our home! 
Our beautiful daughter Mackenzie and one her loves.

Adam and I went on a walk and we were accompanied by the deer below.


Our family is in need of your prayers as we continue to walk forward in this journey and face difficult decisions.  Prayer that we will continue to walk this as a family, that we will all trust God with the future and where that might lead.  Thank you for your prayers, support, love, and patience.  I will try to not let such a long time go between posts.