I pondered this quote for a very long time. I have nothing except to rest on the Word of God, I have nothing except to trust in God's promises. I have nothing without God. For my hope is Him.
Oh how I have prayed for hours asking God to increase my faith in these last few weeks. I have cried out begging the Lord for His sword of the Spirit to increase in power, that I may not surrender to these trials we are facing but to forge through them in the palm of His hands... He is faithful.
Please, please keep praying for Adam, if ever he has needed to be lifted up into the Lord's refuge and hiding place it is now. We have recently entered a "new phase" of this journey. While I can see that good will come from it, walking through it is very difficult and not at all possible without the grace and presence of God. While I believe in God's word of FULL restoration and I will keep praying and believing that God could heal Adam today, fully heal him, with no signs or symptoms of this injury... I believe that with ALL my heart. In the meantime of walking daily through this journey I know God is with me, because by faith I can take Him at His word even when I may not feel Him next to me. One of my favorite songs lately has been Lindsey Kane's The Valley she sings...
This valley couldn't get any deeper
Just when I thought
I was stepping out of it
Just when I thought
A mountain was in my view
That's when I saw You
You didn't take me out of it
But You're showing me in it
You didn't lift me out of it
But You're lifting me up in it
You didn't pull me out of it
But You're pulling me towards You in it
And I know I'll be okay
He is truly pulling me towards Him while going through this trial, I can see how He is so faithful in answering the cries of my heart when I beg Him to increase my faith. He is so faithful. Psalm 126:5-6, Those who sow in tears will reap with songs of joy. He who goes out weeping, carrying seed to sow, will return with songs of joy, carrying sheaves with him. My footnote says "God's ability to restore life is beyond our understanding. Forests burn down and are able to grow back. Broken bones heal. Even grief is not a permanent condition. Our tears can be seeds that will grow out of tragedy. When burdened by sorrow, know that our times of grief will end and that you will again find joy. We must be patient as we wait. God's great harvest of joy is coming!" I am claiming this and believing for it!
These last couple of weeks, have been very difficult and challenging. The blessing is that Adam is becoming aware of his memory loss, which is opening the door for him to realize that something has happened to him and will takes us to a whole new incredible level in his recovery. Most days he has NO CLUE that he has a brain injury and is working hard to overcome the challenges of this injury. At the mention of this he becomes very angry. Now, he is recognizing that it's the year 2013 and he can't remember anything for the last 15 years. In these moments when he allows himself to be out of the fog he has been in and face this harsh reality, he gets scared, upset, and very angry. And with his anterograde amnesia, we often end up having the same conversation hour after hour. I can see how painful this is for him to go through, I watch as he is angry and upset and confused. I also become his target and this has been extremely hard.
While I can see this awareness as a good thing and the potential that it holds once we are on the other side of this, for right now walking through it has been the most painful experience yet. Because Adam is unaware of his motocross accident, and can't remember even through reminding him or showing him pictures, he has convinced himself that I caused this. At times he thinks I have kidnapped him, and at other times he thinks I am playing a cruel joke on him. Oh how I cry out to God that He would miraculously restore Adam's memory. I feel as though Adam's brain injury hates me, I know Adam loves me even if he is unable to show me or understand right now. I can barely see the screen through my tears as I type all of this... it is so incredibly painful.
Adam has sunk into depression and living with anger that most of us could not understand, he needs your prayers. Join me in praying and placing the armor of God on Adam as he faces this battle. Pray for deliverance from this injury. Pray for perseverance to continue fighting, Adam has refused therapies and is making everyday life challenging refusing to even stay in church with me. We have decided to cut back on therapies for the time being, and concentrate on only speech therapy which is Adam's most difficult therapy because it forces him to work on his memory. Pray for Mackenzie and I to have the grace and patience we need for this season, pray that we will not take any of this personal. Most times I can separate Adam's brain injury from Adam, but as the days have worn on, and the yelling and agitation has increased, it has been more difficult.
God's presence has been incredibly thick for me these last few days, He has revealed Himself and His splendor to me through His Word. While I am facing difficult days, I am being carried by Him, I am in the palm of His hands, He is pulling me towards Him in all my brokenness. He is alive in me and I cannot stop blessing His name. We serve an awesome and powerful God, one who is strong enough to carry me through this and it is with His joy he gives me the strength to march on... not crawl on, but march on.