To say I have been walking in the valley would be minimizing how I have felt. Since spring time I have been walking in the depths of a valley marked out and chosen for us and it has been very difficult for me to understand. To put words to all that we have been walking through would be impossible. My only request, is that you pray for us, seek God with all your heart on our behalf. Pray specifically for Adam's memory, even more specifically for his ability to create memories that don't flee within minutes. Oh God, how my heart cries out to You, knowing you are my only help in all of these trying and difficult circumstances... please God, please hear the cries of my heart and open Adam's memory like a floodgate... please relieve him of the torture he is in day after day, hour after hour.
I am struggling, pleading with God for Adam's memory. I don't understand all that has happened in the last 3 years... I don't understand all that has been allowed to harm and hurt us, and I am struggling to cling to the promises marked in my Bible, yet I know how real and true they are. I feel this weird torment... between my flesh and my soul... my flesh wants me to give into my pain and hurt, it wants to be angry about my circumstances, but my soul is clinging onto finding all that I can to be thankful for. It desires and urges me to worship and fall to my knees even when I don't "feel" like it and it's in these sweet moments that the Lord does meet me with sweet tenderness and encouragement. I am not walking in this valley without the hands of God carrying me through... I am walking this valley very much with Him even if it means I cry out to Him in my frustration and sometimes in my anger of not understanding.
During this time, I have reached out to those who hold me accountable and who have walked this journey helping me in my pain to get up and face all that God has blessed me with... one of these faithful friends asked me this week if I have been reading in the Psalms and I said I haven't been, I shared with her where I had been reading. She encouraged me to ask God to give me a Psalm to meditate on, and in His faithfulness he has given me more than one. I will share just one of the passages He has led me to. "Hear my prayer, O Lord; listen to my plea! Answer me because you are faithful and righteous. I am loosing hope; I remember the days of old. I ponder all your great works and think about what you have done. I lift my hands to you in prayer. I thirst for you as parched land thirsts for rain. Come quickly Lord and answer me. Let me hear of your unfailing love each morning, for I am trusting you. Show me where to walk, for I give myself to you. Teach me to do your will for you are my God. May your gracious Spirit lead me forward on a firm footing." (Bits and pieces of Psalm 143 NLT)
Since Adam's hospital stay last month we have made our way to Seattle, we have been able to find much needed rest and relaxation while still being around family and in surroundings very familiar to Adam. Adam has been recovering well and continues to be under close watch and doctor supervision. He has not been cleared for any traveling and even before we knew this we had come to the realization that being here is the best place for Adam in his current stage of recovery. It is with a heavy heart and LOTS of prayer and tears that we have made the decision to make a permanent move to the west coast. While I know it is the right thing to do, I am in so much grief. Almost our entire married life has been walked out in North Carolina with God created family and many friends. The thought of moving for me... well it just hurts.
Psalm 145:17-20 "The Lord is righteous in everything he does, he is filled with kindness. The Lord is close to all who call on Him, yes, to all who call on him in truth. He grants the desires of those who fear him; he hears their cries for help and rescues them. The Lord protects all those who love him."
Adam, Mackenzie, and I are moving back to the Seattle area. We won't be able to do this without some much needed help and I am asking for you to prayerfully consider helping our family make this transition. Whether you can commit to praying for us regularly or helping financially, or however God calls you to. Contacting us via our PO box in North Carolina for right now is still the best way to reach us. It won't be until fall that I will update with a new contact address.
Thank you for the cards and letters of encouragement we have received, they have been a continued source of comfort and encouragement, even if I have been unable to respond, please know that God has used your words to give strength and comfort when it has been needed the most.