I spent most of the day feeling sorry for myself today... not a place a like to be, but these feelings have a tendency to creep in. God must just shake His head at me in wonder sometimes... I know it's a choice and instead of choosing the joy of the Lord, I wallowed in my sorrow. I allowed my pain to discourage me, both my physical pain and my broken heart... no matter the time that passes my heart ache increases and longs for my man. It wasn't until late in the afternoon, with every step I took causing pain that I chose to tell God that with every step (or I shall say, with every limp forward, I will trust that it is apart of your plan).
It's so hard some days to see how all this pain, both physically and emotionally could possibly be apart of His good and perfect plan for our lives. This is where God helps me regularly to trust Him. I have come to realize we can't completely depend on Him, we can't trust Him, supernaturally trust Him without His help to enable us to trust when there is no understanding to why we should. All I know is that I have to choose daily to trust in God and His plans, trusting that His purposes are far greater and higher than I know. I am trusting that though my heart is broken, He is mending it. I am praying to have the faith to trust in Him even if His purposes are not revealed until He calls us home. After all we are called to trust in the Lord with ALL our heart and we are not to lean on our own understanding (Proverbs 3)
Author Marshall Shelley, who suffered the deaths of two of his children, writes in Leadership:
"Even as I child, I loved to read, and I quickly learned that I would most likely be confused during the opening chapters of a novel. New characters were introduced. Disparate, seemingly random events took place. Subplots were complicated and didn't seem to make any sense in relation to the main plot. But I learned to keep reading. Why? Because you know that the author, if he or she is good, will weave them all together by the end of the book. Eventually, each element will be meaningful. At times, such faith has to be a conscious choice. Even when I can't explain why a chromosomal abnormality develops in my son, which prevents him from living on earth more than two minutes ... even when I can't fathom why our daughter has to endure two years of severe and profound retardation and continual seizures ... I choose to trust that before the book closes, the author will make things clear."
Even though this afternoon I realized once again that they way I live is a choice, whether I choose to wallow in my sorrow, in my broken heart, or to choose to live for God's plans and for the joy of the Lord... it's up to me to choose. God is waiting with His arms open wide to comfort me, to carry me in the palm of His hands or I can choose to be discouraged by my circumstances and to feel sorry for myself concerning myself with my lack of security rather than realizing my security comes from trusting God and choosing to live for Him no matter the cost.
Please pray for us. If you read this blog, please commit to praying for us. We need continued prayers for mind, body, and soul.
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