I probably should have taken a clue and went back to bed this morning... I was feeling really lonely this morning as I was riding the train into the hospital, I thought I would cheer myself up by walking 3 blocks out of the way just to go to Starbucks (which happens to be a luxury treat for me), anyway I get all the way there in the bitter cold and rain, just to find out that it was closed due to a remodel... are you kidding me, couldn't they at least set up a curb side stand (oh wait that would be Seattle).
The day didn't look any better by the time I got to the hospital and found out that Adam wasn't on the schedule anytime soon for his MRI, he was suppose to have in the wee hours of the morning and since he didn't, during the daytime MGH gives priority to the outpatients for MRI's... I thought this was a little backwards. I was beyond frustrated because they are waisting our time. If Adam has an infection they waisted over 24 hours that they could be treating it and if he doesn't then they waisted another day that Adam isn't getting therapy. ARGH.
Then shortly after that, I got into with the respiratory therapist (RT) who decided that he knew what was best for Adam even though this was his first day treating him. So the RT wanted to cap Adam's trach considering he looks good and his oxygen levels have been perfect. I tried explaining to the RT that Adam has a granulated tissue (this blocks Adam's airway from him being able to take in air through his mouth, the tissue is sitting above the trach in his airway) that has to be removed, and because of this he cannot tolerate the cap. He preceded to tell me that he was the RT and has been doing this much longer than me, at which point I silently gave it to God and trusted that He was in control. So he capped Adam and within 30 minutes Adam was tachycardic (high heart rate), and was working so hard to breath that he even increased his temperature. I didn't even ask permission, I instantly removed the cap and had the nurse page respiratory to let him that Adam will no longer where the cap until his granulated tissue has been resolved, but thank you RT for making my husband your experiment for your ego, I greatly appreciate it.
By now you can see that I let my flesh get the better of me this morning. So this afternoon I closed the door to Adam's room and sat in quiet for over an hour, then I started talking with Adam and praying. I meditated on Galations 5 today, verses 16-18, 22, and 23... "But I say, walk by the Spirit, and you will not gratify the desires of the flesh. For the desires of the flesh are against the Spirit, and the desires of the Spirit are against the flesh, for these are opposed to each other, to keep you from doing the things you want to do. But if you are led by the Spirit, you are not under the law. But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control; against such things there is no law." I was allowing my flesh to overtake my emotions instead of walking in the Spirit. I had to do something about that so I prayed and asked that God would soften my heart today, that He would renew my mind, ridding me of any frustrations, anger, and the bad attitude I was holding onto to. I asked that He would allow the fruits of the spirits to manifest themselves through me. I had to make a conscience effort today to not let my flesh get the better of me, but instead ask for forgiveness for my attitude, thoughts, and my flesh. I am so thankful that God removes our transgressions as far as the east is from the west. I am so thankful for His undeserving grace and mercy.
As I made the effort to focus on God and walk in the spirit my day started to look up. Mackenzie and I spent some awesome time together this evening and Adam was able to get up and into a wheelchair with one of the hospitals physical therapists. Tonight finally around 9:15pm he was taken for his MRI, so we should hear the results hopefully by lunch time tomorrow. Praise God that He is in control. I am so thankful that He is such a patient teacher, because I definitely got a lesson in walking in the Spirit today and the lesson learned was this... just like most things we have a choice, I had the choice to walk in my flesh and be in a grouchy mood and I had the choice to walk in the Spirit and trust that His promises are true, He never leaves us, He can work all things together for good, He has plans for hope and healing. I am truly praising Him for being so merciful in forgiving me.
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