Monday, November 15, 2010

6 Months of Time Standing Still

Our (Adam, Mackenzie, and myself) lives turned upside down and sideways in an instant 6 months ago today.  It's odd to see the fallen leaves on the ground, it just can't be November, isn't it still May?  There is a scene from the movie Notting Hill when Hugh Grant is walking through the open air market shortly after getting his heart broken and as he walks seasons change and months pass abut he's still in the same outfit and it ends in the same season he started his walk in... for him it's like time stood still while changed happened all around him... that is how I feel.  I feel as though I am walking through life everything around me is changing, but I feel as though time has stood still even though I can see it rapidly moving around me. 

Today has been a very emotional day and a day of reflection on our journey.  One thing I have come to understand, is that I am not made to understand, but one thing, God's undying, everlasting, love.  I don't understand all that has happened in the last six months, and I don't believe I will understand it any time soon, if ever.  If God wanted me to understand it all He would have made it clear for me to understand.  But I do trust Him, I do believe in Him and His word.

While my soul is filled with sorrow, my heart is rejoicing with thanksgiving.  In the midst of the hardest most difficult season of my life there has been so much joy, which stems from how much we have to be thankful for and leads to so much hope.  I spent a good portion of today reflecting on how thankful I am for this journey, while I would never choose it and few of you have lent your shoulder as I cried out how much I hate this... even so, I am so very thankful for how much God has used our journey to touch lives, for His blessings along the way, for His love and faithfulness everyday as He walks before us.  It is with such a heart of gratitude that I write tonight. 

I am thankful for God's healing hand, I have seen so much healing take place, not just physically, but so much deeper and more intimate than physical.  God has the power to have healed Adam yesterday, or even today... even though He hasn't yet restored Adam to health just yet, we will continue to trust in His plans, we will continue to believe in His promises, and we will continue to give thanks in every day for what has taken place in that day, because there are blessings to be grateful for everyday, Amen?!!!  I am thankful for all of you who continue to walk and share this journey with us, your prayers have meant more to my family than we will ever be able to express in words.  I am thankful for those that God has placed in our pathway and for new friendships that have come from this journey.  I am thankful for those who have studied so hard to take care of my man, all the doctors, nurses, therapists, social workers, case managers, ect.  I am so thankful for a growing faith, and for how much God has and continues to teach me through this journey.  I am thankful for being able to learn new skills to be able to take care of Adam and do as much for him as possible.  I am thankful for His provision of our needs and truly meeting them all in ways I could never have imagined. 

I am so thankful for Adam's hug, his hands holding mine, his thumbs up, the wiggling of his toes, the word "uh huh", the opening of his eyes, movement on both sides of his body, I am thankful that he is defying the odds stacked up against him.  I am thankful for how hard Adam works everyday to overcome and persevere through this trial.  I am thankful for the man of integrity that God chose me to marry, how blessed I am that I was chosen to be Adam's wife.  I am thankful for the father Adam is, especially when he didn't have to be.  I am thankful that I get to be at Adam's side, cheering him on every step of the way.  I love my man.

I have spent the day reading many Psalms...  I can find a Psalm for just about any emotion I am feeling, I am so grateful for the writers of the Psalms. 

Psalm 147:1-18
Praise the Lord.

How good it is to sing praises to our God,
how pleasant and fitting to praise him!

The Lord builds up Jerusalem;
he gathers the exiles of Israel.
He heals the brokenhearted
and binds up their wounds.
He determines the number of the stars
and calls them each by name.
Great is our Lord and mighty in power;
his understanding has no limit.
The Lord sustains the humble
but casts the wicked to the ground.

Sing to the Lord with grateful praise;
make music to our God on the harp.

He covers the sky with clouds;
he supplies the earth with rain
and makes grass grow on the hills.
He provides food for the cattle
and for the young ravens when they call.

His pleasure is not in the strength of the horse,
nor his delight in the legs of the warrior;
the Lord delights in those who fear him,
who put their hope in his unfailing love.

Extol the Lord, Jerusalem;
praise your God, Zion.

He strengthens the bars of your gates
and blesses your people within you.
He grants peace to your borders
and satisfies you with the finest of wheat.

He sends his command to the earth;
his word runs swiftly.
He spreads the snow like wool
and scatters the frost like ashes.
He hurls down his hail like pebbles.
Who can withstand his icy blast?
He sends his word and melts them;
he stirs up his breezes, and the waters flow.

Adam had a pretty good day considering his dose of the neuro-stimulant is still so low.  He started his day with me bathing him, shaving him, dressing him, and getting him all ready for therapies.  He even assisted in holding the edge of the bed when we was laying on his side so that I could wash his back.  The more he assists with holding on, or helping to roll from side to side, theses movements help change his status.  Right now he is total dependant, total care, but he sometimes is a maximum assist which is the next level down.  We are getting close to being a maximum assist with times of being a moderate assist.    He is getting strong again!  I am so proud of him.  In Speech today he was able to consistently move his eyes to the right... he has troubles moving his eyes and head to the right, and he did both today!  When I walked in he turned his head to the right to find the sound of my voice!  In physical therapy with Erin, Adam did a lot of movement in his hands, arms, toes, and legs when she asked him.  In occupational therapy with Becky, Adam did great, he played tug-a-war and did awesome pulling his end of the sheet.  He also did great sitting up today, he was able to hold himself up for a bit, when he would start to fall he would try to correct himself from falling over, this is awesome!    This goes to show he had appropriate responses to stimulus.  God is performing miracles in Adam's recovery every day, and we will continue to trust in Him.

I am missing Adam so much these days that the pain seems unbearable.  I miss our conversations, I miss sharing a bed, I miss his touch as he walks past me.  I miss him getting so passionate about something that when he shares it with me, he can hardly contain himself.  I miss him walking through the front door after work greeting me with a hug and a kiss, I miss our morning devotions over a cup of coffee, I miss riding in the car with him, I miss serving with him, I miss being in the kitchen preparing meals together, I miss his competitve nature, I miss his laugh,  I miss hearing him tell me he loves me... I miss him so much that as I am typing I can no longer see the screen because the tears won't stop. I miss him.

Please, I beg you, please don't stop praying for Adam's FULL restoration.  Please pray for him.  We need your prayers daily, please, please keep praying for my man.


Anonymous said...

My Dear Girl, You must have just gotten done writing as I came on. Father is so good that way. He knew I was thinking about you. :) Oh, my friend, I can only a teeny bit understand how you feel. I think it must be harder, when you see him, yet don't have him as you once did. Rest in knowing Father UNDERSTANDS fully, how you feel and is there with you. You KNOW this, and I am so proud of you. If Father does not give us a chance to know each other this side of heaven, you will be one of the first people I want to see, Then Adam and Mackenzie. Oh, before I forget, last night in my small group we were didcussing names. One of the gals said she thought Mackenzie was such a pretty name. :) :) I thought of your Mackenzie right away. I love you, and promise to pray every time I think of you and our family. I trust Father for total restoration in Adam,and you and your jewel from Jesus as well. Your new friend, Marion Hansen

Karie Garner said...

Adam will do all of those things again! God is healing him slowly while you are daily gaining strength and trust in Him completely. He is in complete control and is so proud of you and your devotion to and faith in His plan. Your postings are such an inspiration and I'm praying daily for Adam's full recovery.


Anonymous said...


Jewel said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Jewel said...

Amy I just had a dream about you last night. I dreamed we were all together and I had you lay down in my lap while I rubbed your head...I guess like I do when I'm trying to comfort my kids when they're not feeling well. We will not give up praying for full restoration and I look forward to the day when we can all have dinner together:) I know you must miss him terribly, I cannot imagine how difficult this really is for you, and I know God's got you:) Maybe my dream was a picture of God's nurturing side and how he comforts his daughter....

Please feel free to call me if you ever need to talk. Maybe we can make a over the phone coffee date one of these days. I love that you referenced Nottin Hill!:) Love ya!

Mary Strynar said...

Tears here too. We will never stop praying. I love you!

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