I have been pondering the difference today of faith verses belief. In order to believe in God and who He says He is, I have to have faith to believe. My faith has to come from God. For too long I think I believed faith was something that I had to have, and either I had it or I didn't. One thing this journey has taught me is if I were to rely on my own measure of faith I would not have made this far. I have to rely on God to give me the faith necessary to get through hour by hour. I am consistently at His feet asking for more faith to hang on, to believe, to know that He is in control. I have to trust in Him and not question. I heard this story today...
There was a tightrope walker, who did incredible aerial feats. All over Paris, he would do tightrope acts at tremendously scary heights. Then he had succeeding acts; he would do it blindfolded, then he would go across the tightrope, blindfolded, pushing a wheelbarrow.
An American promoter read about this in the papers and wrote a letter to the tightrope walker, saying, "Tightrope, I don't believe you can do it, but I'm willing to make you an offer. For a very substantial sum of money, besides all your transportation fees, I would like to challenge you to do your act over Niagara Falls."
Now, Tightrope wrote back, "Sir, although I've never been to America and seen the Falls, I'd love to come."
Well, after a lot of promotion and setting the whole thing up, many people came to see the event. Tightrope was to start on the Canadian side and come to the American side. Drums roll, and he comes across the rope which is suspended over the treacherous part of the falls -- blindfolded!! And he makes it across easily.
The crowds go wild, and he comes to the promoter and says, "Well, Mr. Promoter, now do you believe I can do it?"
"Well of course I do. I mean, I just saw you do it."
"No," said Tightrope, "do you really believe I can do it?"
"Well of course I do, you just did it."
"No, no, no," said Tightrope, "do you believe I can do it?"
"Yes," said Mr. Promoter, "I believe you can do it."
"Good," said Tightrope, "then you get in the wheel barrow."
How many times I have believed Christ can do it, but then refused to get into the wheel barrow. I don't want to refuse God's wheel barrow any more. I want to not only believe, but have the faith that God is there for me with all His promises, waiting for me to trust Him enough to get into the wheel barrow. He is in control and I am not only believing, but I have faith in His word... and He will work our circumstances for the good, and He is going to give us a future and hope. Luke 1:37 "For nothing is impossible with God." Adam still needs a miracle, and I am believing and asking God daily for faith to trust and know that Adam's miracle is not impossible for God.
I am holding onto the faith that God has given me, because today was a difficult day emotionally speaking... Adam was so lethargic and sleepy that he didn't respond today at all. Adam slept all day and I only saw his eyes opened once for a short period of time. This is most likely because of the medication change I wrote about a couple of days ago. The doctors increased a muscle tone medication and this particular medication does make Adam more sleepy... that, and he has had a very busy weekend with lots of stimulation with so much family visiting. He's just exhausted, but we all enjoyed the visits. Having the external ventricular drain (EVD) in we can easily see his intercranial pressure (ICP) so we know it's not fluid build up making him sleepy because his ICP's are normal... so I know he's just getting his much needed rest to continue on this journey.
Please continue to pray for Adam's strength and alertness... He goes back to the operating room on Tuesday for his 12 surgery. The doctors are placing his Ventriculoperitoneal shunt (VP Shunt). If you remember me writing last week about how I had an opinion as to which shunt I wanted... it would require too much medical explaining so I will spare you the details... but I did want to share with you all that Adam's neurosurgeon Dr. Ewend did agree with me and specially ordered the particular shunt I was requesting! Please be praying that this shunt is it for us... this is Adam's third shunt in 2 and half months. My man is amazing at how much he has been through and he keeps fighting... he's something special for sure!