Today Adam was given a new PICC line. This time in his left arm, they were going to put it back in his right arm, but when they did the ultrasound of the veins they discovered a blood clot in his right arm. The doctors told me this most likely is in direct result of the removal of his last PICC line. They are treating this blood clot and will be monitoring it with ultrasounds. Adam was given a double the dose of morphine than he usually gets when they were inserting his PICC line, this was to help him relax his left arm. He tends to keep the left arm flexed because he has so much muscle tone it just tenses and is very tight. Several hours after the insertion of his PICC line he was given another dose because he was showing signs of pain, so Adam spent a good portion of the day resting comfortably. Every time I would say something or touch him he would flutter his eyes to look at me, he's so amazing, it just blesses me so much that he knows me.
Part 4 of "Our Story"
This is a difficult post for me because it is so personal, but it's such a huge part of our story. I contemplated whether or not to even share this part of our journey, but God reminded me that He brought us through the first year of our marriage so that we can comfort others who are facing difficult seasons in their marriages. This post is me being completely vulnerable, real, and raw.
Our first year was not easy. I think I can honestly say it was the toughest year of my life. On our first anniversary Adam and I had talked about how we almost didn't make it that first year, this is no exaggeration. This is when God really grabbed hold of me and began teaching me what it meant to be a Godly wife. What most people take years to build up (kids, schedules, careers, debt, ect.) Adam and I faced this the second we said "I do". It was a whirlwind. I remember thinking that our marriage was going to be all romance, date nights, long talks in the evenings... ect. After getting married I looked to Adam to fill me up and to make me happy. In doing that and having that attitude I set Adam up to fail (and boy, did he feel it) and I was left feeling miserable and wondering if I had made the right decision. How quickly the enemy was trying to devour what God had intended for His good. I entered marriage with a "what have you done for me lately" kind of attitude, instead of "what have I done for you lately" kind of attitude. I was so self-centered and was so frustrated and Adam was just as frustrated feeling like nothing he ever did or could do was enough.
One night after being married for 9 months I finally fell to my knees and surrendered my marriage to God. I had no idea what it meant to be a wife, let alone a Godly wife. I spent that night on my knees in prayer the entire night asking God to teach me what it meant to be a Godly wife. I asked that He would teach me to be the wife that He had in mind for Adam. I asked Him to teach me how to love, something I thought I knew how to do, but looking back I had no clue... I only knew what a superficial kind of love was. That night my life changed forever. God showed me so clearly that it was me that needed the attitude adjustment and it was me that He needed to work.
I want to share with you something that God spoke to me that I wrote down in my journal... "You rely too much on human flesh to make you happy. That will only lead you to feeling empty because human flesh will only ever let you down, but I will never leave you nor forsake you. For I am the one who gave you life, I AM YOUR GOD. Be careful with the power you are giving to others and to the enemy for you cannot worship both the world and Myself. For in order to know Me, you must make Me the priority in your life and over your life, that is the only way to true happiness." God was showing me that I cannot rely on Adam to fill me up and make me feel loved and happy all the time... but when I seek that from God then and only then I am filled. When I seek God with all my heart, and allow Him to fill me up like only He can... then the littlest things that Adam does just fills me beyond and truly makes for an amazing marriage. When I am seeking for Adam to fill me up with out spending time and taking it to God first then I hurt both Adam and I and we're both left feeling empty.
I had to learn to make my man feel like the man he is. I prayed that God would teach me to love and respect Adam the specific way he needed it. God has continued to show me daily how to love my man, how to appreciate my man, and how to be a Godly wife. I had to learn that I was created to serve my man, to be his help-mate, I was created to be his crown. I love the scripture in Genesis 2 when God created woman for man. I love Matthew Henry's commentary, he says "Woman was made of man, for the man. That the woman was made of a rib out of the side of Adam; not made out of his head to rule over him, nor out of his feet to be trampled upon by him, but out of his side to be equal with him, under his arm to be protected, and near his heart to be beloved." When I was able to see this perspective of how we were created, it was easy then to embrace serving my man. As I completely surrendered to God, He drew Adam so much closer to Him. The amazing thing, when I started making the changes that God revealed to me and studying biblically what it meant to be a Godly wife... God did amazing things in our marriage and for our marriage. As we were both seeking God and drawing closer to Him, we inevitably drew closer to one another. Adam and I talked regularly how we knew God was preparing us for something because God taught us so much about marriage so quickly.
After our first year we did learn that we don't have it all together, but together with Christ at the center of our marriage we really do have it all.