Wednesday, June 30, 2010

I Surrender

I want to introduce to you Linda Byrd above in the picture. She has been a sweet soul that I have had the privilege of meeting early on at UNC. She and I have chatted many times, sharing our love for our Savior, prayers, and many tears. Her husband Jack has been at UNC since January, and was in ICU from arrival until about 3 weeks ago when he moved to the floor. Last week they gave her an estimated discharge date of July 13th, just to hear the word "home" was sweet for Linda. I ran into her today and she let me know that Jack was not doing well and they were talking about sending him back to the ICU. Please join me in praying for Linda and Jack, you all know that we have experienced leaving the ICU just to be sent back... it's emotionally draining and discouraging. Please pray with me for complete restoration of Jack's heart, lungs, and kidneys. Please also pray that Jack will not have to be sent back to the ICU.

I surrender all to Jesus. Psalm 31:14 "But I trust in you, O Lord; I say, 'You are my God'"
I am in a season of surrendering everything, my hopes, my dreams, my fears, my anxiety... every emotion, every feeling. Not saying that God won't give me the desires of my heart, someday, but for now I am surrendering it all and unto His will. I am resting in the palm of His hands. Like I have said before, He can have it all, here is my heart Lord, you can have it all.

When I stay focuses on who God is, it is so much easier to surrender, lay my burdens at the cross and allow Him to bear the weight and carry me. I serve an awesome God, He is Faithful, Sovereign, Loving, Caring, Compassionate, Majestic, Mighty, Powerful, Creative, Detailed, His timing is ALWAYS perfect... this is who God has been for me today. The song below has been the cry from the depths of my soul. I have listened to this song countless times and have played it for Adam so many times... it's where we are. So both Adam and I surrender all to you Lord.



Adam had another CT scan this morning and everything looked the same, his brain is still pushed to the right and down, and the fluid collection has not changed. So he is heading to the operating room for his 10th surgery. Adam hasn't been resting well the last couple of days. He has had a rough afternoon, his blood pressure and heart rate have been elevated and none of his usual tricks or medications seemed to help. Also, he has had quite a few neurological storms, please pray for him to get rest tonight before his surgery tomorrow. Rest is so vital for his recovery.

Please pray for Adam's surgery tomorrow, pray for his strength both physically and spiritually. Pray for all those that come in contact with Adam, that their lives are changed through the power of the Holy Spirit inside of Adam. Pray that even through the pain suffering that God will be able to use this time, in both our lives to continue to draw us closer to Him and that He will continue to change lives and be glorified.

Tuesday, June 29, 2010

All In God's Plans

Adam will be heading back to the operating room for another surgery on Thursday. The doctors decided it was in Adam's best interest to lift the bone flap (skull) and remove the fluid on the left side so that his brain will return back to center. This will hopefully be the last surgery and I pray that it gives him the best possible chance to recover. The doctors ordered another CT scan for the morning just to finalize their plans and then operate on Thursday. Again this is their best educated guess in what they "think" will fix Adam. I am so glad I worship a God who doesn't just think, but KNOWS all things... Amen?!!! I do agree with the doctors that this will help Adam, because the fluid has not increased over the last 8 days, getting rid of this problem will hopefully fix the fluid build up. This is Adam's 10th surgery, please pray for continued strength for him. I have so much peace because God is in control and has been... I trust him.

Adam truly is the strongest man I know to have endured and persevered everything that he has on this journey. Every day I let him know that I am so proud of him, that I believe in him, and that I love him... I am so glad he heard me say these things to him on a regular basis before the accident, I know he hears me and I hope and pray he understands and hears the familiar words.

Jeremiah 17:7&8 "But blessed is the man who trusts in the LORD, whose confidence is in him. He will be like a tree planted by the water that sends out its roots by the stream. It does not fear when heat comes; its leaves are always green. It has no worries in a year of drought and never fails to bear fruit." I am so grateful to know without a doubt in my mind that my man trusted in the Lord. Because Adam is like a tree planted by the water, and fruit is coming and will continue to come... because Adam is God's servant and has continued to be so this whole time.

God is using Adam even in his bed to reach and minister to those who come in contact with him. Like I have mentioned before, I pray everyday over Adam that whoever touches Adam will be changed, that they will feel a tangible touch of God's love. I have been blessed enough to see that lives have been changed by those who have touched Adam... Doctors, nurses, friends, family and even complete strangers... God is moving in a mighty way and I am bowing before him with a completely surrendered heart and in awe of what He has done, what He is doing and that He picked us to be apart of His plans to change lives.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RvIEJ_PmqJ8

Monday, June 28, 2010

Another Day In The ICU

Another day in the ICU... Adam had another CT scan today and the doctors are not satisfied with his results still looking like the last 2 CT scans. After talking with the Dr.'s today it sounds like they are going to monitor him for the next week or so and do a CT scan every few days. This will give them time to decide what the next should be. The Dr.'s said that if the fluid doesn't start to drain through the shunt they will have to remove the fluid. Please continue to pray that the fluid drains or absorbs so that Adam does not have to endure another operation.

Adam's day has been like the last few, he stormed a couple of times and his neuro exams have been up and down, but praise the Lord his vitals have been stable. Once today I saw Adam track with his eyes, I put my cell phone which had a picture of him and Mackenzie on the screen and he looked at it and followed it!

Tonight I am really missing Adam and it's a hard night... so please forgive me for the short post. I am waiting on the Lord tonight, asking Him to make me brave so that I can continue on this journey. I am putting into practice what it say in 1 Peter 5:7 "Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you." I am so glad he cares for me and loves me with an everlasting love, resting in Him tonight.

Sunday, June 27, 2010

Equipped To Be Adam's Helpmate


No matter the circumstance, it will not interrupt my praise for my sweet Jesus. I love Jesus, and His love is so sweet. Psalm 7:17 "I will give thanks to the Lord because of his righteousness and will sing praise to the name of the LORD Most High."

I love that there are so many people that are concerned about me during this season, and I just want to remind you all that God is sustaining me... and I am doing my best to put one step in front of the other each day. God is my helper and He created me as Adam's helpmate. In this season being at Adam's bedside is my way to fulfill that God given role, please don't ask me to step away from that. My role as a wife has somewhat been robbed of me, but my role as Adam's helpmate will never be, because that is what God has designed me for. I know the doctors, nurses, family and friends have good intentions when they tell me to get out and breathe for a bit... but please realize if I don't that's okay too, God has equipped Mackenzie, Adam and I for this season. Being Adam's helpmate and being able to be in the hospital next to him and observe him has truly helped in so many ways, I notice and document things that nurses and Dr.'s wouldn't because I am with him. There will be a time when that I might become more comfortable leaving, but I am not there yet and that's okay. Please respect that I am fulfilling my role as Adam's helpmate. God has shown me when I need to step away and I will continue to pray that He will guide each step and each moment... I am trusting Him.

For those of you who know me well, know that I have always taken my role as Adam's wife and helpmate very seriously. I have spent countless hours in God's word and on my knees in prayer to learn how to be the wife that God had in mind for Adam. I am determined to add value to my man. I want to encourage other wives to do the following...

1. Encourage your man and Believe in him
Do you encourage your husband to succeed? Do you energize him, or do you make him tired? I've always wanted my husband to be the most excited man in the world to arrive home. I don't want him to fear walking through the door, but I want him to feel so excited to get there and tell me what's on his heart.

What are you doing today to encourage? 1Thessalonians 5:11, "Therefore encourage one another and build each other up."

2. Compliment your man. Let him know who appreciative you are that he picked you.
Let him hear it from you what an amazing man he is. Tell him how grateful you are for his role as a husband. Notice the little things that he does and make sure they don't go unnoticed.

Colossians 3:12 "Therefore, as God's chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience."

3. Take care of your man
God has called those of us who are wives to be a helper in all things. Proverbs 18:22 says, "He who finds a wife finds what is good and receives favor from the Lord." So, I ask you, has your husband found a good thing? Keep in mind, the scriptural definition of wife is "helper." Has your husband found a helper? More than ever, a good woman — a true helpmate —is hard to find. If you are adding value to your husband, you are a hot commodity. If your husband has found you, he has found something worth more than precious jewels.

Proverbs 31:10 (The Message) goes on to say, "her husband trusts her without reserve, and never has reason to regret it...she treats him generously all her life long." You can start adding value to your husband today by being generous, as the Scripture says.

I love my role as Adam's wife and helpmate so much, I love my man so much.

The doctors gave me Adam's CT results, and there was no change. His brain is still pushed to the right and the fluid collection has not decreased. But they still think that we should see results from when they turned the shunt up a couple of days ago. So the plan is if Adam has a good night we will be moved to a step down unit where he will still be closely monitored and they will watch him this next week and then do another CT scan. On the next CT scan, if it shows the brain has become more centered then we are off in the right direction and can continue on this journey, if it shows no change or more fluid we will be looking at another surgery. So please, please pray that Adam's brain will be able to center itself with time and that the next CT scan show major improvement. Adam really had no change today, he had a couple of storms and they were able to treat them. He is still as handsome as ever, I just love being next to him.

Thank you all for your prayers, please help us by continuing to pray for Adam's recovery. We worship a God who is the I am. Please join me in praying for a miracle in Adam's recovery. He is worthy of all our praise despite our circumstances.

Saturday, June 26, 2010

Refiners Fire

God is so faithful and He is moving...

Adam's chest xray came back clear this morning, NO PNEUMONIA!!!! Praise the Lord. Isn't God so good?!!! Adam had another CT scan this morning and we are still awaiting the results to be read. Please pray that the CT shows improvement, if it shows no change the doctors are not sure how they are going to proceed, if the CT results come back worse this means they will remove his bone flap again... if there is improvement then we will be moving forward in this journey. Please pray for improvement, I really don't want Adam to go through another operation. I plead with you, please don't loose momentum, please keep praying for Adam's full recovery... please.

In my quiet time I have been studying the different ways that God grows us and stretches us. I have been studying the references that we are the branches and He is the vine, Jars of Clay, and the refinement process. I want to share what God has been teaching me in each of these studies, tonight I want to start with the refinement process.

1 Peter 1:6-9 "In this you greatly rejoice, though now for a little while you may have had to suffer grief in all kinds of trials. These have come so that your faith—of greater worth than gold, which perishes even though refined by fire—may be proved genuine and may result in praise, glory and honor when Jesus Christ is revealed. Though you have not seen him, you love him; and even though you do not see him now, you believe in him and are filled with an inexpressible and glorious joy, for you are receiving the goal of your faith, the salvation of your souls."

As hard as this trial has been and continues to be every moment... if the result continues to be a stronger faith, a passionate love for my Savior, a test of trust that produces growth beyond imagination... then I can continue to allow God to refine me. I mentioned in an earlier post that I know God is refining Adam and I, completely different but both of us are going through an amazing season of refinement... God please continue to walk with us through fire, burn off all impurities so that we can grow closer to you and become more like you. Hold our hands through this, let us know that you are doing a work in us... use us as vessels so that you can continue to be glorified through this trial. Thank you for being my very present help in my time of need. I love you. In your name I pray, Amen.

Below is a story that I came across while I was researching the refinement process. I just loved this visual of God's love for us.

Malachi 3:3 "He will sit as a refiner and purifier of silver; he will purify the Levites and refine them like gold and silver. Then the LORD will have men who will bring offerings in righteousness"

There was a group of women in a Bible study on the book of Malachi. As they were studying Chapter 3, they came across verse three, which says: "He will sit as a refiner and purifier of silver." This verse puzzled the women and they wondered what this statement meant about the character and nature of God. One of the women offered to find out about the process of refining silver and get back to the group at their next Bible study.

That week this woman called up a silversmith and made an appointment to watch him at work. She didn't mention anything about the reason for her interest in silver beyond her curiosity about the process of refining silver. As she watched the silversmith, he held a piece of silver over the fire and let it heat up. He explained that in refining silver, one needed to hold the silver in the middle of the fire where the flames were hottest as to burn away all the impurities.

The woman thought about God holding us in such a hot spot then she thought again about the verse, that He sits as a refiner and purifier of silver. She asked the silversmith if it was true that he had to sit there in front of the fire the whole time the silver was being refined.

The man answered "yes," he not only had to sit there holding the silver, but he had to keep his eyes on the silver the entire time it was in the fire. If the silver was left even a moment too long in the flames, it would be destroyed.

The woman was silent for a moment. Then she asked the silversmith, "How do you know when the silver is fully refined?" He smiled at her and answered; "Oh that's easy. When I see my image in it.

"If today you are feeling the heat of this world's fire, just remember that God has His eyes on you.

Friday, June 25, 2010

With God All Things Are Possible, Please Keep Praying


"Lord, make me an instrument of your peace; where there is hatred, let me sow love; where there is injury, pardon; where there is doubt, faith; where there is despair, hope; where there is darkness, light; and where there is sadness, joy." Francis of Assisi

"Where there is despair, hope" Lord, you have seen my despair, you have seen my grief please continue to give me faith and hope, even in my darkest, loneliest hours... reveal yourself to me. I know there is purpose and reason for this season even if I cannot see it, but I know God is refining Adam and I know God is refining me... different but, both of us are going through transformations. We will emerge, we will persevere, we will overcome, and there will be victory. God has already won the battle and victory has already been claimed on mine and Adam's life. Staying in there moment where I can continue to see this is vital.

I am missing Adam so much, it has been 42 days since Adam's accident and my heart hurts and is broken now more than ever... with each passing day it just gets harder. God, is my strength, He and He alone my hope is in... He is sustaining me in ways that seemed impossible, but I have seen nothing is impossible for God. He is the God of impossibilities, in moments when I don't think I can go on, He has said... "Here I am, let me carry you, Here I am, let me" This whole ordeal has seemed so impossible, yet God has shown me that as long as I allow Him to be in control, it's not impossible for Him. He has answered so many prayers, today I have seen Him answer 4 in the last several hours... He is moving.

We need your prayers, please don't cease in praying for us, with every passing moment we need more prayers, don't give up... please, please pray for Adam and for our family to endure, to persevere, to have strength to make it through the next hour. 2 Corinthians 4: 16-18 "Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So fix out eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is see is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal." I am doing my best to keep myself on what is unseen, I have seen God moving and I know I am being renewed day by day, and I praise my Maker for his majestic power, only He can make us new and renew us day by day. Choose Him so that He can make you new, a new creation to be used by Him.

Thank you for your prayers, Adam has finally become stable once again. The doctors are keeping a close eye on him and will continue to do so. Please pray that his chest xray and blood cultures come back negative for pneumonia. Adam has been showing signs of infection, join me in praying against infection. Approach the Throne of Grace with expectancy when praying for this (Hebrews 4:16). Thank you for your prayers last night and today, his CT scan this morning showed some improvement. Keep praying we still need them, know that God is using each of you as vessels when you are praying for Adam, He is moving mountains because you all are on your knees... thank you.

Thursday, June 24, 2010

My Very Present Help

My prayer and adoration is in the song below...

Made Me Glad by: Hillsong

I will bless the Lord forever
I will trust Him at all times
He has delivered me from all fear
He has set my feet upon a rock
I will not be moved
And I'll say of the Lord

You are my shield, my strength
My portion, deliverer
My shelter, strong tower
My very present help in time of need

Whom have I in heaven but You
There's none I desire beside You
You have made me glad
And I'll say of the Lord

You are my shield, my strength
My portion, deliverer
My shelter, strong tower
My very present help in time of need

I am not going to be able to write a ton tonight, I am exhausted.

Today has been another painfully long day at UNC. As mentioned in my previous blog post, Adam was moved back to ICU. His routine CT scan this morning showed his fluid collection on the left side of his brain to be a significant amount and is pushing his brain all the way to the right and could potentially cause serious harm and damage to Adam. So to keep a closer eye on Adam and to figure out what the doctors next plan of action is going to be they moved him back to ICU.

This afternoon Adam's blood pressure crashed. He went from having high blood pressure this morning while he was experiencing some more storms to crashing. At one point today every machine Adam was hooked up to, alarms were going off. He has had a rough day and his body has been through a lot. This afternoon I was able to talk with Adam's doctors and there are a couple of different plans. First they adjusted his programmable shunt on the right side of his brain to see if increasing the pressure enough will draw some of the fluid off the left side and drain it properly. To see if this plan is working the doctors will do another CT scan in the morning. If the CT again doesn't show a decrease in the fluid pocket on the left... it means another surgery and they will most likely remove Adam's bone flap again (skull). The doctors also plugged Adam full of fluids and put him on two antibiotics, they believe he has an infection and they are trying to locate what it is. Please pray for the CT and against infection. Tomorrow I will update you when I know more.

It's been a long and emotionally draining day, I am sorry I am not able to right any more, but I am so exhausted.

Adam Is Back In ICU

Adam had a CT scan this morning that did not show good results, I will share more details later when my day settles down more... but needless to say the results put Adam back into ICU and there is talk of another potential surgery.

I am amazed how strong Adam is, his body has been through so much and he continues to endure... God is sustaining Adam, praise the Lord.

Wednesday, June 23, 2010

Jehovah Jireh

God has been so faithful in providing for my family, I am in awe of how He works through so many people and situations. He is working all things together for good. He is enough. Tonight I have had the worship song Jehovah Jireh playing over and over in my head...

Jehovah Jireh
My provider
His grace is sufficient
For me, for me, for me
Jehovah Jireh
My Provider
His grace is sufficient for me

My God shall supply all my needs
According to his riches and glory
He will give His angels charge over me
Jehovah Jireh cares
For me, for me, for me
Jehovah Jireh cares for me

God is taking care of us, and using so many of you as vessels. Thank you!

To my faithful prayer warriors, please pray for upcoming decisions that have to be made about Adam's health care. We are looking at different rehab options and trying to make the right decision on what's best for Adam's recovery. We are checking out different rehab centers, some that are even outside of North Carolina, so I come asking once again that you all join me in praying for wisdom and discernment in this decision making process. I will keep you posted, but please know it will be a several days before I will know any more information. I know God is in control and will show us the right way to go, I also know He is working on carving the path out right now. He is my Jehovah Jireh and He will supply all our needs.

We are rejoicing that Adam is moving right along in his recovery from surgery. He was moved out of ICU this evening and onto the regular floor. His day has not been a pleasant one, he is once again experiencing high blood pressure, high heart rate, he is running a fever... his body just doesn't seem to be comfortable. He has been given medications to help lower fever, he was also give beta blockers to decrease his blood pressure and heart rate, and he was given some pain killers.

God, please touch Adam's body tonight with your mighty right hand, give his body rest so that it can heal. I thank you that you are with him even when I cannot be. We thank you that you have plans for Adam, plans to restore him, to make him new, to refine him from the inside out. Only You God are capable of Adam's healing and we thank you that you are in control. We thank you God for this trial, we have seen so many blessings pour out of Your hands through this painful place. We are blessed that you chose us to be your vessels during this season, please help us to follow in your steps, help us to continue on in this journey wearing your armor. I bow before you in complete reverence. I love you my sweet Jesus. Amen.

Tuesday, June 22, 2010

Butterflies

I was able to see Adam for a little while after he got out of surgery... I couldn't wait to see him, I was so excited just to be near him after having been apart from him all day. Adam looks good, praise the Lord. The doctors said the surgery went well and there were no surprises... so all went well and as planned! If all goes well hopefully we will be back in the Neuro care rehab unit by the end of the week... please pray that we will be. Thank you to all my prayer warriors, you all have been amazing and so faithful... thank you so much!

Isn't God amazing?!!! He is always pursing us, he is always right there to show us how much he loves us! For those of you who have read my blog even before Adam's accident and for those of you who know me well... you know how wonderfully symbolic butterflies are for me. Butterflies symbolize transformation and new beginnings and every time I have been surrounded by butterflies or have been in a situation where one lingers around me I know I am in a season of transformation and new beginnings. Today while waiting out Adam's 8 hour surgery I sat outside for a few hours and look what sat near me! New beginnings are here!

I have never seen such a beautiful butterfly, nor more perfect timing! God is so amazing! I love when I am intentional about noticing how God is pursuing me, He is always there and anytime I have asked He has been so faithful in showing me how much he loves me. He is waiting for you to ask Him, ask Him to show you.

Speaking of butterflies... a different kind... I was just talking with one of Adam's nurses today telling her ever since Adam and I first started dating and to this day I get so excited to see Adam that I get butterflies in my tummy. I love him so much. He is such a good man, I am so blessed to be able to call him my husband. Adam, I love you so much... always and forever.

Song of Solomon 2:16 My lover is mine, and I am his.

Thank You For Your Prayers

Just got word that after 7 1/2 hours Adam just got out of surgery. I don't get to see him for another hour... but the doctor said all went well.

Thank you for your faithful prayers.

Long Surgery

Please pray for Adam as he just headed back to surgery, they are doing 2 seperate surgeries at one time.

First the doctors will be working on Adam's right side of the brain, they will be taking out the original shunt and place 2 more permanent shunts in. One to go into the inner ventricle and one for the outer subdural area. Adam has multiple fluid collections and they are not connected so they need to get the fluid and pressure to drain correctly in both areas. They will be also removing Adam's EVD at this time.

After they get Adam's right side done, they will prep his left side of his brain and start a whole new surgery. They will be placing Adam's bone flap back on (his skull).

Please pray that this will be the final surgery. The doctors said they are not even sure if this will work, but it's the best option they have to figure out Adam's pressures in his brain. Please pray for the doctors that are operating, pray that they can feel the power of God through Adam, that those who touch Adam are being touched by God's love.

Monday, June 21, 2010

Hard But Hopeful

The definition of hard: causing pain or discomfort; difficult to endure; trying; exhausting. This definition pretty much sums up how my life feels some in some moments. But then instead of the 4 letter word hard, how about using hope. Webster definition of hope is: "to cherish a desire with anticipation". I like to think of the definition of hope this way: to cherish a desire with anticipation and expectation while waiting on the Lord. There is so much hope, there is so much to be hopeful for. Sometimes in the midst of my discomfort and exhaustion it's hard to wait, but God has sustained me and continues to do so moment by moment.

Praise God that I am not walking this alone, thanks be to God that he has walked every step before me, and I praise Him with complete adoration that He is carrying my burdens so that I don't have to feel the load. There is a reason that He is our Shepperd and we are His sheep... sheep are not load bearing animals, their spines break under pressure. Don't you see, we are not to carry our burdens, but lay them at the cross, allow God to handle them so that we don't break under pressure. Dear Lord, my precious Savior, please take my burdens and my heavy heart. I cannot carry this load on my own, I am inadequate, I need you. I place my heart in your hands, I give you everything. Please let me know you are near tonight, help the pain to cease for the night. This pain seems like more than I can bear, but I know you are my strength. And I know it's by your strength that I can bear it and continue on this path that you have marked out for me. Please God, give me the strength that I need for the next hour, thank you for the many blessings that we have seen come from this painful place. You are in control, thank you. I love you my sweet Lord, Amen.

Adam had a pretty uneventful day today. He had a couple of storms today, but not nearly like he did yesterday. I was able to bathe him, shave him, and groom him... any chance I had I wanted to touch him today. I want to be the one to take care of him. A nurse today said, that I have become a member of the team... I corrected her, and said I have been a member of this team long before you all have been. Adam and I are a team, we are united as one, nothing is ever going to take that away because what God has joined together we are not going to let man separate (Mark 10:9). Adam and I have worked too hard to get to where we are and we are not going to look back, but only forward to see what God has planned for us. Every moment I am given with Adam is one more minute God has spent knitting us together as one, I can think of no greater man to be one with the my man Adam. Thank you God for the gift you have given me, I am one blessed girl.

Sunday, June 20, 2010

Happy Father's Day Adam

Today has been a tough day. Adam has had a not so good, ICU kind of day.

I will start with Adam... He has been, what the doctors call "neuro storming" all day. Neurological storms are common in traumatic brain injury patients (TBI). It affects the sympathetic nervous system (SNS). The SNS is responsible for initiating the "fight or flight" response, and that we have seen in Adam. He has been tachycardic (high heart rate) and hypertensive (high blood pressure), he has been profusely sweating, his pupils have been dilated, and he has become completely lethargic, not responding at all. Like I said, a typical ICU kind of day. He's been given medication and yet he still seems so uncomfortable. He is miserable, I can feel it. It breaks my heart to be sitting next to him knowing how much pain I can see him in, knowing now uncomfortable he is, feeling completely helpless because there is nothing I can do... my heart hurts.

As far as the rest of the day... well... it's been hard. Today is Father's Day and all I have been able to think about is what an amazing dad Adam is. Adam chose to be a dad, he didn't have to choose us, but he did, he chose us with all his heart... and he hasn't taken that responsibility lightly, he has taken it whole heartily. I respect Adam so much for stepping up and accepting the sacrifice and challenge of raising a child... not just raising a child, but training her to be a child after God's heart. Adam is an amazing father, I have been blessed enough to spend hours praying with him and hearing his heart cry out to God asking for wisdom in parenting, and help in raising a little girl, our little girl. God has answered Adam's prayers and truly gave him a father's heart. Seeing Adam love Mackenzie unconditionally and with every fiber of his being, is the best gift I have ever been given, my heart melts every time I see those two together. Happy Father's Day Adam, you are one incredible dad... I love you so much.

Proverbs 14:26 "He who fears the Lord has a secure fortress, and for his children it will be a refuge." Thank you Adam for fearing the Lord, and providing such wonderful security. We love you.

Saturday, June 19, 2010

Blessed Be Your Name

"Blessed be your name, on the road marked with suffering, though there is pain in the offering, blessed be your name"

This morning while driving to the hospital I couldn't get this song out of my head, finally when I arrived I pulled out my Zune and speakers and Adam and I worshiped together. I just had to be able to sing blessed by your name. I have struggled on and off throughout this journey... is it okay for me to have moments of sorrow and grief when I can see God in all of this? And when I listened to this song this morning I realized... there is pain in my offering, and I am on road marked with suffering right now, but with so much joy in heart I can say "Lord, blessed be your name!" There is joy in my sorrow.

Psalm 28:7 "The Lord is my strength and my shield; my heart trusts in him, and I am helped. My heart leaps for joy and I will give thanks to him in song."

Adam's eyes were open for most of the day today, according to the doctors measuring scale he is still not responding... but I believe he is and I believe he looks at me and is focusing on me. He only responded to painful stimuli today and no commands, but it's only going to be a matter of time, I can feel it! The doctors had to medically induce sleep for him today because he wouldn't rest and his heart rate was elevated. He wouldn't rest today and then he became agitated and his body showed signs of stress... so with the help of some heavy narcotics the doctors gave him, let's pray he will get some rest. It's great to see him open his eyes, it's hard to ask for prayer that he closes them to sleep, but that's what Adam's brain needs most right now is rest to heal.

My favorite moment of the day was when I laid my head on his shoulder for awhile then I raised my head up, he then turned his head, lowered it and looked at me. I love this man and I know he loves me so much... his eyes told me!

Friday, June 18, 2010

He Promises

To God be the glory. Almost on a daily basis I have been so blessed to hear how lives are being changed through Adam's journey. Thank you all who have let me know what God is doing in your lives through this... my prayer from day 1 has been that God would be glorified through all of this and HE HAS!

Again it comes down to a choices... this life brings pain and suffering, how are we going to walk through it? Trusting and knowing that God is in control and has ordained every step or fearful and angry that we are suffering and in pain? God has used this season of pain and suffering to bring so many blessings and joy. I choose to trust and know that God is in control, I choose to hold onto His promises. He promises hope, and a future (Jer 29:11). He promises to work together all things for good (Romans 8:28). He promises to lift us up (1 Peter 5:6). He promises to never leave us (Deut. 31:6). He promises everlasting love (Jer. 31:3). He promises peace (John 14:27). He promises strength (Philippians 4:13). He promises comfort (Isaiah 66:13). He promises eternal life (John 3:16). Amen?!!!

I can look back over the last year of our lives (Adam's, mine, and Mackenzie's) and I can see how God has prepared us for this season. Seeing how God has prepared us is confirmation that He has ordained this, so therefore He has a plan. A plan that I might not understand right now, he hasn't allowed me to see the whole picture, but I know it's good, because He is in control. I need to walk in His steps and not turn to the right or to the left but keep my eyes on Him. My prayer now is that we would remain obedient to His calling and walk in His footsteps. I would never want to go through this again, but I would not change one step of this journey... to be used as a vessel by God is an honor, a honor I am so unworthy of. I tell Adam everyday how proud I am of him that he is being God's servant, it might be difficult, and he might not understand... but I am so proud of him for being God's servant. It has been amazing to see lives changed, to see God be glorified, to see that His plan is at work.

Today Adam had another surgical procedure... yes, I said another one. His poor physical body has been through so much, I can't wait until Adam can tell me what his spirit has been through. Anyway, he had his G-tube replaced, finally! The doctors still haven't ordered food for him yet, but at least by tomorrow he should be back on nutrients and not just hydration fluids. Adam tolerated the procedure great!

About an hour and half after surgery I was talking with him and sitting with him, and his eyes were open for quite some time. When I spoke, he turned his head towards me looked at me, I asked him to squeeze my hand and he did! The nurse just happened to be in the room with me and I said did you see that?!!! She saw him move his head towards me, she saw him follow me, and she knows he tried to squeeze my hand. You know medicine, if it's not done their way, it doesn't count. So according to his doctors, this will not be considered purposeful until they see it happen several times on command over a period of time.

I believe in Adam and I believe he will show them! I told Adam he made my month! I was so excited! Today was the 35th day of this journey and this was the best I have seen him. And it's amazing considering all that he has been through in the last 3 days. I am so proud of him! He makes me the happiest wife in the world! I love that man more than words will allow me to express! Every good and perfect gift comes from above (James 1:17), and Adam is my good and perfect gift.

Thursday, June 17, 2010

Storms and Thankfulness

Adam's verse of the day Proverbs 18:10 "The name of the Lord is a strong tower, the righteous run to it and are safe" So grateful that the Lord is there to be Adam's strength in his time of weakness.

I think Adam has had his fair share of surgeries... and yet more are on the way. Last night after the doctors unclamped his shunt, they expected to see a fair amount of fluid drain and that was not the case. So this morning the doctors decided that Adam needed to have an External Ventricular Drain (EVD). He had one placed in his right side of his brain the last time we were in ICU, but when they put in the VP Shunt the doctors thought there would be no reason for an EVD. As long as the EVD is in, this keeps us in ICU. Today the reopened Adam's left side of his brain where he has no skull and carefully had to place the EVD. This was tricky because there was a membrane that has built up around the fluid collection on the left side, so the procedure took quite a bit longer than they expected. Everything went well and Adam has been resting (with the help of morphine).

Next week the doctors say there is a possibility that they will do another surgical procedure and place in a subdural drain, but they are going to wait till then because they want to see the results from the EVD. There has also been talk that they will most likely replace his VP Shunt with a programmable shunt... again this will require surgery.

The doctors cancelled the EGD (Esophagogastroduodenoscopy) for tomorrow, they instead decided to take a couple of steps backwards. They are going to redo the contrast xray and a CT to locate the exact placement of the G-Tube and make sure it is draining where it should be. After they have more information they will decide how to proceed, after talking with them it sounds like if the G-Tube is out of place (which they think that is the most logical explanation) then they will have to start all over again. Please pray that the doctors will be able to identify what the problem is with Adam's G-Tube and that they will be able to fix it quickly.

It's so hard to see Adam go through so much, his body has been through so much. I am so proud of him, I tell him every day that he is being God's servant in this season and he has no idea how many people he is touching... God is using him and I tell Adam, it's okay to be physically tired, but your spirit is so strong... I believe in him. I am so proud of how hard Adam is fighting. He is amazing and so strong. He's my man.

My heart is breaking for the Little family. There son Lucas went on to be with the Lord last night. You will recall that I met the Little family in the ICU at UNC a few weeks ago. Burnie, Lucas's father updated their blog with a very emotionally raw yet inspiring update. It has been so encouraging to see them walk through their storm and rely on God through it all. My prayers are with the Little family, and my heart aches for their loss. I am rejoicing that Lucas has been fully restored. www.prayforlucas.blogspot.com

I will never be able to list all the people (even though I would love to name everyone individually) that I would like to thank, there are so many working behind the scene. There are those who sit with me, there are those that bless my family, there are those who have been so faithful in writing to me words of encouragement and scriptures. There are those who have taken care of things around my house, there are those who have sent gifts, there are those who faithfully pray and fast for Adam, there are those who made food or sent food to my house, there has been the nurses who spend hours talking with me and doing an amazing job caring for Adam, there are the doctors who have taken time out specifically just to talk to me and explain things thoroughly to me. There is family and no words can express my gratitude for family, there are so many of you that have stepped up and shown me what the body of Christ looks like and it is truly amazing. THANK YOU, and again thank you just doesn't seem like enough, but it's all I know how to say. I have said this before and I say it again... God will repay what I cannot, only heaven knows my heart. I am so thankful and all day I have reflected on how truly grateful I am. My heart is so full of thanksgiving.

Surgery #6 Went Well

Adam's surgery went well, thank you for your prayers. Will do a detailed update in a bit.

Surgery #6

Please pray for Adam he is currently in a surgical procedure, I will give details soon.

Wednesday, June 16, 2010

Waiting Patiently

Adam has had a typical ICU kinda day. He's had his ups and downs. He had a great morning was responding well to his neuro exams and then around lunch time it took a little detour. His heart rate was elevated, his blood pressure went crazy... and he stopped responding in his neuro exams. The doctors kept his shunt drain clamped to see how Adam was going to react neurologically and with Adam not responding, this did not surprise them because if the drain is clamped then the fluid has no where else to go but collect on his brain. With increase fluid build up there is typically a decrease in neuro exams. The doctors sent Adam to a stat CT to be able to a have a visual aid for what is going on in Adam's brain, and what they saw was more fluid build up in his ventricles, they unclamped his drain and now we wait to see what changes neurologically this will bring. Waiting patiently.

As for his G-Tube mess that's going on... his AWESOME critical care team is working hard at trying to solve the unsolved mystery of his tube. (Thank you Colin! (Dr.Byrd)) They decided to do a Esophagogastroduodenoscopy (EGD) it's a fancy long word for going in to his esophagus, stomach, and duodenum with a scope and trying to locate the problem with Adam's G-Tube. It doesn't look like the G.I. doctors will be able to get to it until Friday, so they are going to do an abdominal xray with contrast tomorrow to see if his stomach is doing it's job as well as the feeding tube. Again, I am waiting patiently. I will update as I know more.

Right now as I am sitting at Adam's beside he seems to be resting peacefully. Praise the Lord, this is such an answer to prayer after Adam's crazy afternoon.

My verse for today is Psalm 130:5 "I wait for the Lord, my soul waits, and in his word I put my hope."

Other Bible Waiters:

Noah waited for God's timing with the ark (Gen. 8)

Moses waited on God on the mountain (Ex. 24)

Job waited for God's answers (Job 14:14)

Isaiah waited for God to work in Israel (Isaiah: the whole book)

Jeremiah understood the need to wait quietly for God's salvation (Lam. 3)

Hosea wanted the people to return to God and wait for him to work (Hosea 12)

Micah waited for the God of his salvation (Micah 7)

Habakkuk warned the people to hold on to their hope and wait because it would surely come (Hab. 2)

Zephaniah explained that the Lord wanted his people to wait for him (Zeph. 3)

The disciples were ordered by Jesus to wait for the coming of the Holy Spirit (Acts 2)

Believers are called to wait for heaven, for the promise is sure (Romans 8:23, 2 Peter 3: 12-14)



If all these amazing people changed history while they waited... I too can wait patiently and continue to draw my hope from His word.

Yesterday's Events and Today's Blessings

Okay, here are the events of yesterday that landed us back in ICU at UNC and back into surgery...

So, you have read that over the last several days that I have been worried about Adam's swelling. On Friday I noticed a decline in Adam's alertness and was concerned because I began to see an increase in swelling, so I talked with Adam's doctor and he ordered a CT. CT showed no bleeding so he was happy. By Saturday his left side of the brain where he has no skull was completely swelling out the side of his head. Sunday I asked the doctor to come and look at Adam, when he did he decided he needed to compare Friday's CT to one that he had done at UNC. All day Monday we waited for UNC to cal and they never did. Yesterday (Tuesday) morning when I got to the hospital the doctor was on the phone with UNC and that's when they noticed a new fluid collection on Adam's right side of his brain. The Neurosurgeons at UNC decided it was in Adam's best interest to come back to UNC so that they could take a closer look, monitor Adam and come up with a plan of action.

While all of this was going on Adam was scheduled for a endoscopy at WakeMed because he has had so many issues with his G-Tube and they were trying to figure out why. When the anesthesiologist came to look at Adam for the endoscopy he said he would not do the surgery because Adam was too unstable. At this point Adam's G Tube was bleeding and pulling up blood and blood clots. This all got put on hold because Adam's brain swelling was a larger issue.

I was able to ride in the ambulance with Adam, and when we arrived he was taken into CT right away. The attending doctor took me to his office and showed me Adam's CT scans, the one from Friday a previous one from 8 days before that and the new one. Adam had a significant amount of fluid collecting on his right side and still increasing on the right. There is also a membrane that has developed around the fluid on the left side. The doctor told me that none of these symptoms seem to be related and none of them see to have any rhyme or reason. The doctor said he has no idea right now what is going on with Adam, he said to me Adam has been one big puzzle since his initial arrival (I think this is evidence that God is working on Adam).

An hour after arriving Adam was in surgery to externalize his VP shunt so they could see how much fluid he is draining. The doctors are concerned that Adam is draining too much fluid, but the only way to tell is monitoring his drainage is to externalize it and watch it. So that is where we are. No matter what they decide about his drainage because they externalized his shunt this commits us to at minium 2 more operations. Right now I am at Adam's side and he seems to be resting peacefully.

I am waiting for the critical care team doctors to come by and figure out what they are going to do about his G-Tube. We are possibly looking at another surgery today for them to fix what's going on there. Right now he is on IV fluids and they are pushing his medications through via IV so he's not using his G-Tube... so once again we are waiting for answers.

Being able to give thanks and focusing on what I am thankful for has continued to help get me through this time. I know I have mentioned this verse before, this helps me to focus on what I am thankful for rather than just begging God to heal Adam...
Philippians 4:6 "Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God."
Today I am thankful that I know Adam well enough to know something wasn't right and that I was able to be his voice when he can't. I am thankful that Adam received the medical attention he needed in a timely manner. I am so thankful for the nurses and doctors here in ICU that we already have working relationships. I am thankful that he is in good hands here. I am thankful that Adam has been opening his eyes this morning. I am thankful he is resting. I am thankful that I have had so many people praying. I am thankful for those who have been walking this journey with me, both by my side and those who are in prayer for us. I am thankful that I know Adam's faith is strong. I am thankful for the faimly God has blessed me with. I am thankful for those who have had Mackenzie and loved on her when I haven't been able to. I am thankful that my God is so big and mighty to heal. I am thankful that my God overcame death for me. I am thankful for Adam and the blessing he is to me everyday. I am thankful.

Tuesday, June 15, 2010

Root for Adam and Keep the Prayers Coming

Adam made it out of surgery fine and looks okay. He is worn out and rightfully so. I am exhausted, and I will let you all know about the surgery and everything that is going on tomorrow. Please pray for Adam and specifically pray againist infections since he is in ICU and just came out of surgery.

I am trusting that God has a plan for all of this. I am NOT loosing hope. I know my God is bigger than this brain injury. I am going to continue to walk by faith and not by sight.

Psalm 29:11 "The LORD gives strength to his people; the LORD blesses his people with peace."

Lord, I have so much to be thankful for you see my heart and know my gratitude, I ask with boldness for your strength and please bless me with your peace. I love you, thank you for having Adam and carrying him in your hands. I praise you because you are all knowing and only you know the whole picture. Thank you for choosing me to be Adam's wife. I am truly blessed. I pray these things in your precious name, Amen.

PLEASE KEEP PRAYING Surgery #5

I will post more and update more with details when things settle down more, but Adam is currently in surgery. Not a major surgery, but none the less still surgery. More to come later.

PLEASE PRAY... WE NEED PRAYERS

I will update more later, and give details later, but Adam is being transferred back to ICU at UNC because he is having such a signifcant swelling on both sides of his brain where as before it was just the left side. Please pray.

Monday, June 14, 2010

God's Sovereignty and Grace

One day I will blog or at least attempt to blog about how I truly feel God prepared me for this season in my life. I can see God's hand print and how He has prepared me as far as a year ago to the weekend of Adam's accident... but that's for another time... tonight I just want to share one way that I think God has prepared me.

A couple weeks before Adam's accident, Adam and I were talking with our youth group small group and we were discussing God's attributes. One student specifically asked if we could go deeper and study the specific attribute of God being sovereign. A month before this conversation took place Adam and I studied the book of Job, and had many questions regarding His sovereignty. The week of Adam's accident I was preparing somethings for our next youth group small group regarding God's sovereignty, how great is God?!!! This time of preparation has helped me so much because I have never and hopefully will never ask the question "why" there is no need, the Bible clearly states that God is all knowing and in control, that He has a plan and a purpose to work all things together for good and not for harm... his grace is enough.

I wanted to share a quote from a book that I have been reading about God's sovereignty... "How does God's grace meet you in your sufferings? We can make the answer sound old hat, but I guarantee this: God will surprise you. He will make you stop. You will struggle. He will bring you up short. You will hurt. He will take His time. You will grow in faith and love. He will deeply delight in you. You will find the process harder than you ever imagined... and better. Goodness and mercy will follow you all the days of your life (Psalm 23:6). No matter how many times you've heard it, not matter how long you've known it, no matter how well you can say it, God's answer will come to mean something better than you could ever imagine."

2 Corinthians 12:9 "But he said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.' Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me." Everyday I recognize my weakness, even tonight I was having to tear down thoughts of doubt and discouragement... but then I am humbled, and remember... He is enough, His grace is enough... even in this season, the most difficult season I have ever walked. God is sovereign, and we may never fully understand, but through our faith we can recognize first we are weak, and second... He is enough and He is made perfect through weakness. God is sovereign, he could have chosen to heal Adam yesterday or today, and He hasn't yet, but my thought is "because He still has one more person to touch through Adam". Adam is being His servant right now! Can't you see why I can't get enough of my God?!!! He is truly amazing and worthy of all our praise... even in the difficult times!

I know this has been a long post, but hang in there...

Update on Adam, the doctors came to the conclusion today that it's not the G Tube that's the problem, but it's Adam stomach that isn't contracting, therefore it's not absorbing his fluids, medications, and food. It simply fills up and then proceeds to dump out. They have Adam on a medication that is suppose to help his stomach contract, but it doesn't seem to be doing the job. So tomorrow they are going to do a endoscopy and hopefully figure out what our options are. As are as his swelling goes, please pray that it goes down. UNC neurosurgeons have not called Adam's neurologist back to figure out a plan of action that way either... so please pray we will get that phone call soon. Adam's swelling is pretty significant... we don't want to go backwards, we want to continue to advance in this journey, so please join me in specifically praying for pressure levels to lower and for swelling to decrease. Thank you all so much for your prayers, we are so blessed to have so many prayer warriors walking this journey with us and it has been evident.

Sunday, June 13, 2010

Made To Worship

Psalm 119:18 "Open my eyes that I may see wonderful things"

Adam opened his eyes today! I was so excited since it has been a couple of days it was so great to see them. I believe he looked at me, I choose to believe he saw me and knows its me. What a precious sight it was to see his eyes today. His eyes are so genuine, Adam is so genuine... if you are been blessed enough to know Adam, you already know what an amazing, genuine guy he is. I love Adam so much, and with every passing day my love for him grows deeper. I am praising and rejoicing for what my God is doing in Adam, for what He is doing through Adam. Let me not take my eyes off You Lord, but keep them focused on You because You are the only one that sees the whole picture, help me to not look at my pain and my sorrow, but know that you have a plan to restore Adam and you are in control.

Tomorrow, we will find out more on his G Tube and hopefully get some answers about the swelling in his head. The dr. today told me that he was going to consult Adam's Neurosurgeons at UNC and look at scans to figure out if the swelling is something that is concerning. I don't like to get aggressive, but I finally had enough and demanded answers. The dr. said he would order another CT tomorrow and compare it to Fridays and hopefully get a chance to see if the Neurosurgeons are concerned... at least there is a plan in place. I let the dr. know I was going to bug him tomorrow and the next day until I got some answers as to why he is still swelling. I want specifics and I want a plan.

Worship, to truly worship is such an honor. I went to church this morning for the first time since before the accident because I wanted to worship among family, my church body is family. I feel worship is such an important part of church in the sense that, it's during that time that we act on our faith and give ourselves as a living sacrifice to the King of kings. We are invited into the very presence of the King and we are invited to worship Him. We are made to worship, it's a choice we can choose to make to offer ourselves to the King of Glory. As I prepared my heart for church this morning and prepared myself to enter the very presence of His majesty, I was humbled to think what an honor it is that He, my God, craves my heart, can't wait for me to enter into to His presence. As hard as it was to pull myself away from Adam's hospital room, I was so glad that God showed me this morning how much He is pursuing me... it made it a little easier because I just wanted to be at His feet where I could worship and give myself to him completely.
Psalm 132: 7 "Let us go to His dwelling place, let us worship at his footstool"

Saturday, June 12, 2010

Hard

Today I had to say goodbye to my mom, who has been here for a month by my side. This was very emotional and hard. I have appreciated my mom more than I would ever be able to say. God will repay what I cannot, only heaven knows my heart. My mom has done so much for me... she has kept my house running, taken care of Mackenzie, sat with my for hours, held me as I have cried for hours, encouraged me, loved me, and has just been an amazing support. Having to say goodbye to my sisters and my brother has all been difficult, but saying goodbye to my mom seems like an impossible task. I can't wait till her return.

I have prayed this scripture verse over Adam so many times, but today I am praying it for myself too, Joshua 1:9 "Be strong and courageous. Do not be terrified; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go." I am thankful to know I am not alone, that God will never leave me nor forsake me. I also am surrounded by an amazing support system of friends, and church family who have stepped up and embraced Mackenzie and I throughout this journey... thank you to you all. There are so many people who have been emailing, facebooking, texting, and leaving comments on my blog, that help me just as much as sitting right here with me.

Adam's day today was a little frustrating, his G-Tube (this is where he gets his medications, feedings, and fluids) has been malfunctioning. Basically it is no longer in the place that it needs to be in and on Monday they will work at getting it back into place or put in a G.J. Tube which will have two ports of entry and they will be able to switch back and forth. So today, Adam went most of the day with nothing, no fluids, no feedings, and no medications, while they were figuring this all out. Adam continues to have an increase in edema (swelling on his brain), which causes him to be lethargic and not respond. He still has a fever, and has been sounding very congested in the lungs, so please be praying against infections again.

I am praying tomorrow is a better day and that the 3 of us will be able to have rest tonight. Resting in the arms of my Savior, good night.

Friday, June 11, 2010

My Rock

Deuteronomy 32:4 "He is the Rock, his works are perfect, and all his ways are just. A faithful God who does no wrong, upright and just is he."

1 Samuel 2:2 "There is no one holy like the Lord; there is no one besides you; there is no Rock like our God."

Psalm 40:2 "he set my feet on a rock and gave me a firm place to stand."

God is my rock, my only firm foundation... it's on Him I stand all other ground is sinking sand. In our good days and not so good days I am grateful my foundation is not shaking, but firm when I trust in Him completely. God is always a solid rock and will always allow me to stand on Him, but there are times I step off the firm foundation and into the sinking sand, not because I intentionally do so, but because I am human and it happens. My prayer is that as I continue on in this journey I will be able to stand firm on the Rock as my foundation, so that no matter what storms my come, no matter the challenges that I have to face, no matter the not so good days that may come... I will not be shaken, but standing on my Rock.

My specific prayer request is that my eyes are not taken off my Savior, that I can continue to trust in Him for all things, that I will be able to walk by faith and not by sight. These are all things I cannot do... I am incapable to even attempt these on my own... but with God as my strength He will help my eyes to stay focused, He will help me to trust in Him even when it impossible, and He will teach me and guide me to walk by faith... He has already shown me, that as long as I keep my eyes on Him He will take care of the rest.

Adam was very tired today, he had increased swelling on his brain which caused him to not respond, react, or even open his eyes today. The good news is the doctors ordered a CT scan to make sure there was no bleeding on the brain since he was swelling so badly and there was no bleeding! Adam has been running a fever all day and seems like he is fighting something (like an infection). The doctors ordered more labs to see if they can locate an infection. I am hopeful and praying that tomorrow he will start to feel better and respond.

Tonight it's all I want is to be in the arms of my man, I just want him to hold me, I want to feel him kiss me back, I want hear his voice, I just want him. Dear God, please hold me close to you tonight as you can see how much I am hurting, you can see how painful this is. Please hold me all night. Bring peace to my soul and comfort to my heart. I am grateful that you know the whole picture, please give me your strength to make it through tonight knowing your grace is enough. Help me to stand firm on Your foundation, help my feet to stay planted on the Rock. Amen.

Thursday, June 10, 2010

More

I am discovering that it's possible to be content in our circumstances, and still want more. I want more of God. I am content with what He has done, is doing, and what is to come... But I want more of Him. I have been blessed to walk with Him, talk with Him, hear Him, sit with Him, be surrounded by Him, feel His love tangibly... and yet I want more. More.
Pocket Full of Rocks sings a song called More of You Jesus:
I've touched the hem of Your garments
And I have felt the leading of Your hand
But today, my eyes look much higher to see the face of the great "I am"

I've touched the hem of Your garments
And I have felt the leading of Your garments
But today, my eyes look much higher to see the face of the great "I am"
So more of You Jesus, more of Your face, more of Your glory in this place
More of You Jesus, more of Your face, more of Your glory in this place

I have touched the hem of Your garments
And I have felt the leading of Your hand
Oh but today, my eyes look much higher to see the face of the great "I am"
I'm longing for more, and more, and more
More of You Jesus, more of Your face

I have never heard this song, but I the lyrics are words that of where my soul is. John 3:34 "For the one whom God has sent speaks the words of God, for God gives the Spirit without limit." Isn't that amazing, through Jesus, I am given the Spirit without limit! The more I want the more He has to give, there is no limit to His love, His grace, His mercy, there is no limit to Him. There is no limit to His love. His love is unending, never failing... His love is complete, and it's enough.

Adam had another busy day in rehab... he was placed in his wheelchair for the first time! It was so great to see him in a chair with his clothes on. Adam's speech therapist was testing to see if Adam has a swallowing reflex by putting ice chips in his mouth and seeing if he would swallow it... out of quite of few tries and the speech therapist stimulating his mouth... he swallowed a couple of times! It was awesome! Progress is being made! I can't wait till he wakes up but for now I will continue to encourage him and love him. My prayer everyday is that God would not just sustain my love for Adam give me a new love for him everyday. I with every passing day on this journey I can honestly say... I love Adam more today than I did yesterday. I want more of God's love through me for Adam. More.


Wednesday, June 9, 2010

Can't Get Close Enough

Today... was an emotional day. Being in a new place, and starting over with a new staff, they all want to know what happened to Adam and it's hard to relive it every time I recount what happened. It's opening a raw wound every time... I know that it won't always feel this way, and that someday I can talk about the accident without loosing it... but I'm just not there yet.

Adam's day was busy... he had physical therapy, occupational therapy, and speech therapy. He had a visit from the dietitian, doctor, and then throughout the day the nurses are always doing something. Adam seemed to tolerate it all really well. He knows when I am in the room with him and he is well aware of my touch. I couldn't get close enough to him today, I just wanted to be with him every moment... I miss him so much... tears.

This morning on my way into the hospital I was sharing my heart with God and I was telling him how lonely I felt even though there has been so many people around, no one around me could really understand the pain that I am feeling and know what it's like to miss my husband even though physically he is right in front of me... there has been so much going on the last several days emotionally speaking that I was just tired of hurting today. Then... God hears the cries of my heart and answered... he gave me Kathleen. Kathleen's husband, Cale, is in the room next to Adam's and has been since mid-March... she was a breath of fresh air this morning as we shared our hearts, our precious faith, and coffee. You can read her journey at www.caledarling.blogspot.com. Please pray for a full recovery for Cale and continued strength for Kathleen.

God has been overwhelmingly gracious with me and I continued to stand in awe and adoration. My sweet time in His word this morning filled me in ways that I have never experienced, His presence surrounding me was so tangible. Since I got saved 5 years ago I have had a hunger for God's word and thirst to want to know him more... today was no different... just like I shared above, how I couldn't get close enough to Adam today, that is the exact way my heart has yearned for God today... I just couldn't get close enough. I am so grateful His mercies are new EVERY morning. My prayer today was Galatians 5:25 "Since we live by the Spirit, let us keep in step with the Spirit." Even in my moments of sorrow, hurt, and pain... I want to keep in step with the Spirit, because He can see the whole picture and I just want to be obedient... even if it means hurting for a season, because I know God works all things together for good.

My scripture verse today comes from Romans 8:38&39 "For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither present not future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.

This is sweet Kathleen

Tuesday, June 8, 2010

God's Timing Is Always Perfect


We have so much to be thankful for and I am rejoicing in Adam's progress! Adam is adjusting well to the skilled nursing rehab hospital... he gave me such a wonderful gift this evening while I was sitting with him... he reached with his left hand and held me as I was lying on his chest, then he moved his right arm on top of that! This is huge because his right side has been the weaker side. He held me for several minutes, until his arm got tired... I was so happy and filled with amazing joy. Our time was brief today since he was moved and visiting hours are so limited at this new place... but I soaked up every second I had with him today. This may be a long journey, but it's nice to be finally walking forward.
My devotion was so perfect this morning for where I am at...
"If a person allows it, he can find something at every turn of the road that will rob him of his victory and peace of mind. Satan is far from retiring from his work of attempting to deceive and destroy God's children. At each milestone in your life, it is wise to check the temperature of your experience in order to be kneely aware the surrounding conditions. If you will do this and firmly exhibit your faith at the precise moment, you can sometimes actually snatch victory from the very jaws defeat. Faith can change any situation, no matter how dark or difficult. Lifting your heart to God in a moment of genuine faith in Him can quickly alter your circumstances. God is still on the throne, and he can turn defeat into victory in a split second, if we will only trust him."
Dear God, I am trusting you to work all things for good in our current circumstances. My heart is broken in a thousand pieces and I am trusting in you and believing in you that you have a plan. You know my heart, you see the truth and I am believing you and I am trusting that you are in control. Once again God, here is my heart you can have it all. Your presence has never been more powerful in my life and I thank you for allowing me to walk daily with you in spirit. You see everything and know the whole picture, please help me to walk not by sight, but by faith. Thank you for the continued peace that surpasses all understanding and for all the answered prayers. I worship with my heart abandoned. Amen.
My comfort tonight...
John 14:27 "Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid."


Monday, June 7, 2010

Praises and Prayers

Our God is an awesome God...

Adam is being discharged in the morning!!! He will be transferred to WakeMed Traumatic Brain Injury Neuro Care Rehab Unit. This is a total care (meaning Adam is 100% dependant) skilled nursing rehab center. This particular unit specializes in the younger population and focuses to get them more independent. Once Adam can obey commands and participate in 3.5 hours of rehab they will move him to a rehab hospital. We are on the road to recovery.

God's hand was all over this process today... The WakeMed Traumatic Brain Injury Neuro Care only has 10 beds total in the entire rehab, and Adam was accepted almost immediately... which on Friday we were told they were full. Not only that but our insurance wasn't for sure they were going to approve the facility because well... they're an insurance company and I think their job is to make thinks a little more challenging. But that's beside the point... the insurance company ended up getting him approved by the end of the day today, which is an answer to prayer. We have been blessed with the most amazing social worker at UNC who has fought for us, and has been an incredible advocate for us. THANK YOU JEN... YOU ROCK!!!!!!!!!

I have a favor to ask of you all... can you please pray for the prayer requests that are not mentioned on this blog... there are a few that I hold close to my heart and are very personal, but God knows what they are please say a prayer for those requests of mine. He sees my joy, my happiness, my love for my man... He sees my heart, my sorrow, my grief, my faults, my pain, my wounds, my brokenness and he loves me and accepts me just as I am. I come to Him just as I am broken, inadequate, so unworthy... he lifts me up and holds me tight and lets me know he loves me with an unending love. Isaiah 51:12 "I, even I, am he who comforts you."

Sunday, June 6, 2010

It Is Well, It Is Well, With My Soul

This is going to be a short post... after all it's the Sabbath and the limited time I do have tonight I want to spend with my first love... my Lord and Savior.

Thank you all for your continued prayers, love, and support... you all have blessed me and my family immensely. The letters, emails, cards, facebook messages, care packages... ect. have meant the world to me. Your words of encouragement have been carrying myself and Mackenzie through the most difficult season we have faced in our lives. Thank you all who have been led to send a word or a gift for being obedient to God placing that on your hearts. Every time we have received something it has been at the perfect timing and exactly what we needed to hear to feel encouraged in that moment.

I am in awe of what God is doing. I stand amazed by His presence daily. He is answering the cries of my broken and crushed spirit... that if I have to go through this much pain and hurt at least let me be able to say "It is well with my soul." I can honestly say... it is well, all is well with my soul. Only God can do that.

It Is Well With My Soul

When peace, like a river attendeth my way,
When sorrows like the sea billows roll;
Whatever my lot, Thou has taught me to say,
It is well, it is well, with my soul.

Though Satan should buffet, through trails should come,
Let this blest assurance control,
That Christ has regarded my helpless estate,
And hath shed His own blood for my soul.

My sin oh, the bliss of this glorious thought!
My sin, not in part but the whole,
Is nailed to the cross, and I bear it no more,
Praise the Lord, praise the Lord, O my soul!

And Lord, haste the day when my faith shall be sight,
The clouds be rolled back as a scroll;
The trump shall resound, and the Lord shall descend,
Even so, it is well with my soul.

It is well with my soul,
It is well with my soul,
It is well, it is well, with my soul.

Psalm 146:1 "Praise the Lord, O my soul."

Saturday, June 5, 2010

Praises, Converstions, & Devotion

Today I am going to start with an update on Adam and then share a personal, intimate story that has helped carry me through this journey.

Adam is doing AWESOME!!! I could not be more tickled! His blood pressure is down, his heart rate is stable, and by the very grace of God he has NO FEVER!!!! All culture tests came back negative! Which means no pneumonia, no infections! God has heard the cries of my heart and yours and he is dwelling here with us, faithfully answering our prayers! Adam has been working with physical therapy, occupational therapy, speech therapy... which is helping to arouse his senses, and strength. All this has to be done for him because he is still in a coma and does not follow commands, however, he is beginning to open his eyes more spontaneously and move his left arm and hand. A coma is nothing like it is on television. From what the doctors tell me, he will begin by opening his eyes and he might do that for 3-6 weeks, then he might concentrate on an object or person for 3-6 weeks, then he might start to track someone or something... it's a very slow process. I can't wait till he is responsive, my heart aches, the pain I feel is the most intense pain I have experienced...I just miss him so much.

Yesterday, a sweet nurse gave me the best gift I have been given throughout this journey... she let me lay in bed with Adam. As I laid there I realized how truly blessed I am that God chose to spare Adam and let me have him longer. I wept as I laid my head on his bare chest... all I could think was I am truly the most blessed wife, and I am so lucky he picked me for his wife. Tears.

As far as the story I am finally ready to share with you all... On the Saturday of Adam's accident we were driving out to the track that day and we were talking about friendships and how I was feeling like I had been struggling a bit. Adam so gently and tenderly reached over and put his hand on me and said... "honey, I just want you to know how much I love being married to you, what we have is so special, you are my best friend, you're my favorite and I cherish every moment we have." All day that day I was on cloud nine, just feeling so loved by my man. And now that we are where we are, I think, what I an amazing and special gift God gave me in one of the last conversations I had with Adam. Throughout this journey, that conversation has played over and over again in my mind... how sweet is it that one of my very last conversations was my husband professing his love for me and letting me know how much he cherishes me... I weep as I am writing this, tears are falling.
In my devotion this morning it reads"We must continue to pray and 'wait for the Lord' (Isa. 8:17) until we hear the sound of His mighty rain. There is no reason why we should not ask for great things. Without a doubt, we will receive them if we ask in faith, having the courage to wait with patient perseverance for Him and meanwhile doing those things that are within our power to do." Pray. Hebrews 4:16 is a verse I have been clinging to "Let is then approach the throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need." I will remain waiting on the Lord and trusting in His timing, I am continuing to approach the throne of grace with confidence, bolding asking for beyond a full recovery... I worship the Almighty Healer... and His grace is sufficient.

Friday, June 4, 2010

Goodbye ICU!!!!!! God's Right Hand Is Mighty!

It's with tears of joy in my eyes right now that I am writing this update!

Adam had a stable night and is looking wonderful. The doctors decided since he is no longer connected to anything external, but everything has been surgically planted internally, and he was stable throughout the night he is becoming a lower risk patient. He is still not unresponsive and in a coma, but he's alive and stable... PRAISE JESUS!!!! He is still running a fever, so please continue to pray against infections and for his fever to break.

PLEASE RESPECT that we still have a ton of family in from out of town and we are not ready for visitors yet, unless you have already been contacted by an immediate family member. I will let you know when we get there, but Adam gets overstimulated very easily and it's important for him to get rest. And with family in from out of town, it's out of respect for them as well to be able to spend as much time with him as they can and Adam's health affords.

God is so mighty to heal and we are continuing on this journey towards Adam's full recovery. I believe there is so much power in God's right hand and in Jesus' name. So God I ask that you continue to touch Adam with your right hand and restore him, refine him, rebuild him... I ask this in Jesus' mighty name. Amen.

Psalm 18:35 "You give me your shield of victory, and your right hand sustains me."

Psalm 20:6 "Now I know that the Lord save his anointed; he answers him from his holy heaven with the saving power of his right hand."

Psalm 45:4 "In your majesty ride forth victoriously in behalf of truth, humility, and righteousness let your right hand display awesome deeds."

Psalm 48:10 "Like your name O God, your praise reaches to the ends of the earth; your right hand is filled with righteousness .

Psalm 60:5 "Save us and help us with your right hand, that those you love may be delivered."

Psalm 63:8 "My soul clings to you; your right hand upholds me."

Psalm 89:13 "Your arm is endued with power; your hand is strong, your right hand exalted."

Psalm 98:1 "Sing to the Lord a new song, for he has done marvelous things; his right hand and his holy arm have worked salvation for him."

Psalm 118:15 "Shouts of joy and victory resound in the tents of the righteous: 'The Lord's right hand has done mighty things!'"

Psalm 138:7 " Though I walk in the midst of trouble, you preserve my life; you stretch out your hand against the anger of my foes, with your right hand you save me."

Psalm 139:10 "even there your hand will guide me, your right hand will hold me fast."

Isaiah 41:10 "So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand."

Isaiah 48:13 "My won hand laid the foundations of the earth, and my right hand spread out the heavens;"

Revelation 1:17 "When I saw him, I fell at his fee as though dead. Then he placed his right hand on me and said: 'Do not be afraid. I am the First and the Last.'"

I don't know about you, but when I was studying God's right hand I couldn't help but to get excited. I am in awe of what he has done in my life, what he is doing in my life, and what is to come.

God is faithfully answering the cries of my heart and he is hearing yours too, thank you for going on this journey with me and holding me and my family up in prayer... no words will ever show my true gratitude. I love you all and I am praying that each of you will be able to feel God's love in a tangible way, the way that I am feeling it.

Thursday, June 3, 2010

God Is Bigger Than A Brain Injury

Thank you all so much for being so faithful in your prayers and commenting on this blog, what an encouragement you all have been... I am so truly blessed.

Adam is doing well! He is running a fever, but it's typical from surgery. I am still praying against infections, so please pray about this as well. Also pray that he feels no pain and can get some much needed rest. If Adam is stable throughout the night and into the morning there is a chance we might get out of the ICU. Tomorrow will be 21 days in the ICU and while the staff in there has been fantastically wonderful... I am ready to embark on the next step. I choose not be believe what the doctors have said to me about Adam's future and all the things he will never do again... after all, my God is BIGGER than a brain injury.

I am filled with such an overwhelming joy and peace right now that I just know the presence of God is surrounding me. I am being pursued and wooed by God like I have never experienced before. There are no words to describe God's everlasting, never failing love. I am so madly in love with my Savior. I am worshiping with reverence, rejoicing with love, and trusting him for comfort. It's time for me to crawl up in his arms and find rest.

Thank you all again for faithfully praying, God is hearing the cries of your heart and He is responding!

Adam Is Out Of Surgery

Adam is out of surgery and I was told it went well. I was able to see him for a brief 5 minutes before they sent him for testing, and he looked good... handsome as ever.

I will update more later.

Psalm 68: 4 "Sing to God, sing praise to his name, extol him who rides on the clouds- his name is the Lord- and rejoice before him."

I am rejoicing that Adam's surgery went well.

Adam Is In Surgery... for the 4th time.

My sister sent me such a beautiful text message this morning... "When we know everything is in God's hand, we can leave everything in God's hand."

As Adam is in surgery now, I am leaving him in God's hands. Please pray for Adam, for his doctors, for his nurses... God is in control.

I will update later.

Wednesday, June 2, 2010

Surgery Bound Again

1 John 2:5 "But if anyone obeys his word, God's love is truly made complete in him."

My day begins at 3:30am when I wake up and drive to University of North Carolina Medical Center where Adam has been in the ICU since May 15th... I like to get there in the wee hours of the morning so that I can bathe him. It might not seem like a big deal, but that is some of my most intimate moments with Adam. Being able to be the one to care for him and wash him allows me to touch him, talk with him, love him, comfort him, hold him, nurture him... just be his wife. It is an honor and blessing to care for him in sickness and in health... and God prepared me since the day I said "I do", after all He was the one that united us as one and he already knew our days ahead, He is not surprised by this... and so neither am I. I am resting his comfort and given his strength to make it through... After all HE IS IN CONTROL!

While at his bedside early this morning the doctors made their rounds and told me they would like to do another major operation on Adam. They want to remove the EVD drain and place in a VP Shunt that will be permanently placed in his brain and have drains flowing down to his abdomen where it will empty into his stomach to be digested. This will be his 4th surgery. Adam is weak and has already been through so much so please keep him close to your heart in prayer. I am doing my best to remember that God has held Adam through this whole process and he is not going to let go. So... God, I give Adam to you, he is in your mighty hands.

God is using Adam and I in a mighty way in this hospital. God has allowed our love, faith, and devotion touch other lives and it blesses me so much to see Him glorified through our pain and suffering... it makes it easier to give Him thanks in this trial. It's been so wonderful and humbling to hear of how Adam and I have and our faith has touched so many lives in and out of this hospital. To God be the glory! Lord, continue to use Adam and I. Make us your vessels, keep us obedient and tender hearted towards you. I thank you for the guidance of your Holy Spirit, I thank you for your all consuming presence inside of me that has given me hope, comfort and peace at such a sorrowful time. May I only look to you for my source of hope and strength, help me to not take my eyes off you, not even for a second. I thank you for your presence in Adam's room, you are an amazing God who is moving mountains and will continue to do so. Lord, I am in awe of you and I bow down in great reverence and love, please continue to walk before me and carry me each step of the way. I love you Jesus, Amen.

I am praying for you all that God will use Adam and the way that he loves me to minister to you all to love those around you. Love is the greatest commandment. "Love must be sincere" Romans 12:9 When I follow these commands, then God's love is made complete in me and I can feel it. He loves me this I know.

Blog Archive