You see my heart today, not everything in it is pure; with your right hand please divinely touch my heart. Purify it make it clean and holy before you. Help me to not take my eyes off you. Help me not to stumble by looking at my circumstances or myself, but to fix and keep my gaze on you.
Lord, you know where I am struggling and I ask that you please fill me today with an extra measure of your peace and grace so that your light will shine through me. Let my words be yours and not my own. Make me less so that you can be so much more through me.
Lord, where Adam usually caresses my face, kisses me, and holds me tightly next to him... let me feel you so much more through his absence. You see my broken heart, you see my sorrow, and yet, you have been so faithful in showing me how to love Adam in a whole new way that brings me joy. Only you God are capable of turning tears of sorrow to joyful rejoicing.
God I praise you and thank you for strengthening and upholding me by your righteous right hand. I take comfort in knowing that you will never leave me nor forsake me. I am trying my best to love you with all my heart, mind, soul, and strength.
Above was a piece of my personal journal entry from today. "One of the most important parts of fulfilling our destiny will be transparency." Beth Moore Esther Bible Study. In needing to be transparent, I have a confession, I have been operating on such little sleep and today was the first day I noticed that I am starting to become emotionally irrational. So I left the hospital for the first time for more than just an hour or two. I am currently home (which will be another blog entry for another time) trying to figure out how to be here, let alone rest here without the love of my life.
I am fighting such a spirit of guilt, guilt in leaving Adam, which I know in my heart of hearts that this guilt is not of God. This is where rest is becoming vital so that the enemy will have no place in this journey, no victory in my emotions, no victory in allowing me to be fearful, no victory in creating anxiety, only fear of the one I too fear... The King of kings, Lord of lords. He has already claimed victory in this situation and won the battle. I am praying that God will comfort and be with Adam while I am not at his bedside.
Please pray for my family this evening, (this seems so silly to say when I know you all have been faithfully praying) pray that we will find rest in the arms of my Savior tonight. Also keep praying for God to continue His will for Adam's life. Thank you for your obedience to Christ and the role that you all have played as a member of the body of Christ Jesus. I am praying that God will strengthen your faith as well through this so that God can ultimately be continued to be glorified through this.
Philippians 4: 8 "Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable - if anything is excellent or praiseworthy - think about such things."
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